Jake Smith is posing for a photoshoot with his EAW PURE Championship, fresh after Showdown. All of a sudden someone mumbles “It go right foot up, left foot slide, left foot up, right foot slide, basically I’m saying either way we ‘boutta slide” in the background. Bronson Daniels slides in and photobombs his tag partner Jake. Jake looks on confused, as Bronson is smiling
Bronson Daniels: Hey bro, did you see that new Drake music video?
Jake Smith: No, I don’t care about Drake or your trash music, what do you need Bronson? As you can see I’m clearly busy.
Bronson Daniels: Hey, how dare you call my music trash! Look at this music video, it’s amazing!
Bronson shows Jake the music video to Drake’s new song “Toosie Slide” as he keeps on mumbling that hook
Bronson Daniels: Look bro, that was the best music video I’ve ever seen. I’ve been watching it ALL DAY LONG BAY BAY! Look, Jake, let me teach you how to do it: right foot up, then left foot slideeee, come on do it with me. No you go left foot up and right foot slideeeee.
Jake Smith: Look, Bronson, I don’t have time for your crap. We got a huge match ahead of us on Saturday and instead of learning stupid dances, we should prepare for our match.
Beginners Footsteps - Showdown I
Jake Smith: Let’s talk about the last few weeks for the moment, the start of my groundbreaking PURE Championship reign. So for starters, we got Lance Blackfyre talking his shit, going again and interfering in my matches, hey! Don’t you guys remember the last time he said he wanted to interfere in my matches because he wanted to? Yeah if it wasn’t apparent enough he was jealous of your PURE Champion, the signs should be as clear as the day. But you know what, I should thank Lance, I should thank him because he was the reason I entered and put in the ballot for me to be in the PURE Gauntlet in the first place. Would that mean he’s the reason I’m the PURE Champion, kind of? Not very much, because if I dropped the ball there wouldn’t be much to thank for that, Lance Blackfyre, simply a stepping stone. But nothing will change if I happen to answer his challenge for Grand Rampage, he will continue to be all brawn and no brains and continue to say the most stupid shit known to man because of it, but oh well, you can’t change everyone. As I said not everyone is so competent to understand my ideology, because I am that damn smart, call me Einstein from now on. But despite that he will continue to poke around trying to take my title away from me, now call me a conspiracy theorist but there ain’t nothing pure about poor Lance, but that’s just me. But enough bickering, let’s talk about the match for a moment I’m in. Isn’t this great? The 420s are finally debuting to the world, the high flying, submission specialist Bronson Daniels, and the pure grit, determination, and just plain badassery in Jake Smith doesn’t that shiver your boots? The 420s are in full swing, right? And hell who knows we might be coming after those nice Unified Tag Titles too right? Eh, I’d consider that my last resort if I ever happen to lose the PURE Championship, and I won’t. I plan to keep the PURE Championship forever right? All good things must come to an end though right? Sure there’s a chance I could lose the PURE Championship, but not now, probably not ever. Who knows I might retire with it.
But enough of that bickering that I’m sure half of you are tired of because you aren’t competent enough to understand half of it, let’s go and look towards the actual match we’re in as The 420s. Alright, so we’ll start with the fact that I don’t know who the fuck any of these guys are. I mean c’mon this is the illustrious debut of The 420s and y’all weren’t able to get us some fucking competent opponents? You see these people don’t even deserve to be in the range of a title in their what? First or second match? That’s fucking beyond me at this point. Now they’re going to go all willy nilly saying “Oh this is a match we need to win because of the caliber of our opponents!” Sure I’ll give you that, but the fact is you won’t. You can pray to some makebelieve god for mercy and pray that luck will come your way, but praying will not be enough for the inevitable fate. “B-b-but.” There are absolutely no buts needed because these people can’t even lace up my fucking boots let alone have a chance of beating me in the ring. So I’m going to beckon the question out here that I pray to god you answer and convince me to make me believe you even have a sliver of a chance in that ring, give me a reason you have what it takes. Give me a reason you have what it takes after I worked my ass off for a goddamn calendar year to this point in time, where I’m the only second two-time PURE Champion, and you’re just a bunch of newbies who are the practical rendition of lamb to the slaughter. I want you to enter the ring and look me straight in the eyes and say that you can beat me, I want you to say it with a straight fucking face and make it believable because this match is a bunch of crap. These guys could probably barely give The Woogieman a fight c’mon, what I’m putting out the point is that they’re fucking jokes. They are jokes who haven’t been able to see the bright lights, their ignorance will be their downfall because they fail to see the solid truth of what’s to come in this goddamn business, wake up and smell the roses because you have zero chance in a match if the name “Jake Smith” is alongside yours and across the ring from you. Now people can walk up and try to claim to me in some way shape or form that this is some false sense of confidence, this is just me with some bland ignorance heading into a match, seen it, heard it. But the fact is that despite that I know when I’m right, I knew when I was right at Under Siege, and I knew it every single step of the way, every single path I took was the right one, and it brought me right here. The failures have made me stronger than I ever was before, you two, whatever the fuck your names are, have not experienced failure. You have not felt failure yet and that also be your downfall. You don’t have the strength, you don’t have the power, you don’t have the drive, so you fail to make me believe that you have the chance to beat a champion like me. I do not believe, that you have a chance I’ll be down forth with you on that one, the reason I don’t believe it is because I am a veteran of the craft at this point in my career, forever will be. And you guys haven’t even been here for 2 weeks and believe me you’re going to come into this match thinking you’re some hotshots and that you’re the prospects waiting to demolish and crumble down the hierarchy that I’ve established with me at the top of it, scepter and all. But the painful truth is I don’t believe a single sliver of it, many people have tried, many people have failed. It only takes the elite of the elite to take me down and even then that’s not a guarantee. Harlow Reichert thought she had me all sorted after she beat me twice, but I regained the PURE Championship by beating her, I never lose, because in the end I always win. Yet despite that people still continue to question Under Siege, Harlow did last week, and people forever will if they look back at the tapes. She went through multiple people, had her arm near snapped, smashed through a goddamn broadcasters booth, and I come in there and claim the win because of it, is it not a true win? You see the fact is Harlow boasted the claim that if I’m the last person then she will still beat me, muster out some hidden chi or some shit, but she didn’t, that was a false promise. And believe me, I can predict from how long I’ve been here, that you guys are going to be full of false promises once you, or if you speak. So Chris Steroid Dude and MITSUwhateverthefuckyournamehappenstobeyoufuckingshitassjobber, choose your words wisely whenever you decide to get your head out of your ass and begin to speak, because they will be your poison, the one that will slowly defeat you and force you to succumb to me, yet that’s already a given right? Choose carefully between the red pill and the blue pill because one will signal for your defeat, actually, now that I think about it? How about you guys just don’t like ever speak. I think it would do good for all of us though? You know, think about it, you don’t have to embarrass yourself in front of the camera, and I don’t have to bear your ugly squeaky little voices, it’s a double deal! “But Jake, wouldn’t we lose?” Oh like I care, because I’m not you guys, I’m the one you need to beat and you know one of us has to lose and one of us has to win. And believe me guys, I’ll be completely down forth with you on this, I’ll make sure that The 420s will win. Hell, I’m so confident, give Bronson a break this week, I’ll beat these guys blindfolded with one hand tied behind my back while I’m injured, that would at least give you guys a chance, right? So at the end of the day, this is just like the PURE Gauntlet, a bunch of jobbers trying to get a word in, but easily getting shut down by yours truly. That’s the name of the game, hell might as well name this whole fucking business the Jake Smith Show, it would be much more accurate and boost morale in this fucking shithole. So in case, you guys are too lazy to hear me speak once more and keep on blabbering and what not I’ll give you a caveman lesson. I, Jake Smith, king, you, peasant, absolutely peasant. King better than peasant, king
Bronson mumbles “It go right foot up, left foot slide, left foot up, right foot slide, basically I’m saying either way we ‘boutta slide” in the background as he finally realizes that he’s supposed to start speaking
Bronson Daniels: Oh, am I supposed to come in and speak now? Alright then… Well as my amazing tag partner Jake Smith said, “Mitsubishi” and Chris “Inject My Veins Please” Valliere don’t pose a challenge against us. What will “Mitsubishi” do, pose as a car while Chris stands on top of him and flexes to the hot girls on the beach, right? Well I am sorry to break your heart but both me and Jake are a lot hotter than you. Like a lot. I’m a man of my word. I said I’ll tap out Lucas Johnson and that’s what I did. I had Lucas in the middle of the ring with that Twister locked in as he begged for mercy against me. Lucas talked all that trash and just like Dray Fontana and Shaker Jones, lost. They couldn’t live up to the hype. Every one of them threatened to beat my singles record but this is what happens time and time again. They talk that trash but don’t live up to the hype. They always bow down to the Euphoric Machine. And now, since I’m gonna be in the Grand Rampage match, I’ll go through every single person in that match, main event Pain For Pride, become the EAW Answers World Champion and end Pain For Pride with myself and my partner Jake Smith holding up our titles as the show ends, beginning Season 14 with a BANG! You know, some of EAW’s best are in that match but none are on the level of Bronson Daniels. I get called the selfish rookie around here but none of them have been in that ring with me. Just ask Lucas Johnson, Dray Fontana or even Shaker Jones. They’ll all tell you to just not show up. To stay at home because I am not someone you doubt. You know I kinda wish I could’ve tapped out Lucas Johnson in front of a crowd but oh well. We’re all scared because of some flu. I’ve been telling y’all, smoke some weed and the pain goes away. Back to our opponents now. Congrats on winning your match, MITSUBACHI! I have been watching closely. And I’ll be honest, you’re good but not as good as me or Jake. How do you expect to beat all-time greats like me and Jake? I guess your kicks were good enough to get Jordan Payne down
But oh god! Look at this Chris Valliere man, he’s so damn muscular and so fucking sexy that all the ugly hoes that fuck for free want him. The fangirls are going to speak to their friends about how hot this Chris guy is that just debuted on Showdown That is until you lose your match, of course. Then they’ll go on Twitter and “stan” The 420s. You’ll be forgotten and left alone with your steroids that you pump into those goddamn veins of yours. One of my kicks is stronger than your punch which went through one hundred injections.
I have only been here for less than two months but I’m better than all you pussies! Now, I see that I might’ve disappointed some fans by “cheating” against Lucas Johnson and not winning clean. If you ask me, what I did was amazing and not worth complaining about. Maybe you should’ve complained about Shaker Jones main eventing Showdown after I literally BEAT him. But I’m supposed to give you an explanation. I owe those Twitter smarks an explanation right? Well here’s your fucking explanation: I’m smart, you’re not. Does it matter how you win as long as you win? Why do you mad lads get so angry when someone is a bit creative. No, you just want the same old shit: clean finish. In this company, wins matter. Does it matter how you get them? Hell no, if that mattered, Drake King wouldn’t have been the World Heavyweight Champion on Dynasty. Drake is smart. I don’t like him but I admit it. I doubt MITSUBACHI’s dog eating ass and Chris Valliere, the biggest gym rat who to me is just a gym cockroach, are as smart as me. Being smart matters to achieve anything. Jake Smith found success by being smart and the same thing will happen to me. I will sell out shows while you sell out the food in catering. Everyone I’ve beaten so far is scarier than any of you wish to be. None of you make me think “What if they beat me? What if I’m not good enough? What if I’ll become a no one because they got the better of me?” No. I’m so confident going into this. Me and Jake will demolish you. Not even a ton of luck can save you, bro.
Bronson Daniels: Hey bro, did you see that new Drake music video?
Jake Smith: No, I don’t care about Drake or your trash music, what do you need Bronson? As you can see I’m clearly busy.
Bronson Daniels: Hey, how dare you call my music trash! Look at this music video, it’s amazing!
Bronson shows Jake the music video to Drake’s new song “Toosie Slide” as he keeps on mumbling that hook
Bronson Daniels: Look bro, that was the best music video I’ve ever seen. I’ve been watching it ALL DAY LONG BAY BAY! Look, Jake, let me teach you how to do it: right foot up, then left foot slideeee, come on do it with me. No you go left foot up and right foot slideeeee.
Jake Smith: Look, Bronson, I don’t have time for your crap. We got a huge match ahead of us on Saturday and instead of learning stupid dances, we should prepare for our match.
Beginners Footsteps - Showdown I
Jake Smith: Let’s talk about the last few weeks for the moment, the start of my groundbreaking PURE Championship reign. So for starters, we got Lance Blackfyre talking his shit, going again and interfering in my matches, hey! Don’t you guys remember the last time he said he wanted to interfere in my matches because he wanted to? Yeah if it wasn’t apparent enough he was jealous of your PURE Champion, the signs should be as clear as the day. But you know what, I should thank Lance, I should thank him because he was the reason I entered and put in the ballot for me to be in the PURE Gauntlet in the first place. Would that mean he’s the reason I’m the PURE Champion, kind of? Not very much, because if I dropped the ball there wouldn’t be much to thank for that, Lance Blackfyre, simply a stepping stone. But nothing will change if I happen to answer his challenge for Grand Rampage, he will continue to be all brawn and no brains and continue to say the most stupid shit known to man because of it, but oh well, you can’t change everyone. As I said not everyone is so competent to understand my ideology, because I am that damn smart, call me Einstein from now on. But despite that he will continue to poke around trying to take my title away from me, now call me a conspiracy theorist but there ain’t nothing pure about poor Lance, but that’s just me. But enough bickering, let’s talk about the match for a moment I’m in. Isn’t this great? The 420s are finally debuting to the world, the high flying, submission specialist Bronson Daniels, and the pure grit, determination, and just plain badassery in Jake Smith doesn’t that shiver your boots? The 420s are in full swing, right? And hell who knows we might be coming after those nice Unified Tag Titles too right? Eh, I’d consider that my last resort if I ever happen to lose the PURE Championship, and I won’t. I plan to keep the PURE Championship forever right? All good things must come to an end though right? Sure there’s a chance I could lose the PURE Championship, but not now, probably not ever. Who knows I might retire with it.
But enough of that bickering that I’m sure half of you are tired of because you aren’t competent enough to understand half of it, let’s go and look towards the actual match we’re in as The 420s. Alright, so we’ll start with the fact that I don’t know who the fuck any of these guys are. I mean c’mon this is the illustrious debut of The 420s and y’all weren’t able to get us some fucking competent opponents? You see these people don’t even deserve to be in the range of a title in their what? First or second match? That’s fucking beyond me at this point. Now they’re going to go all willy nilly saying “Oh this is a match we need to win because of the caliber of our opponents!” Sure I’ll give you that, but the fact is you won’t. You can pray to some makebelieve god for mercy and pray that luck will come your way, but praying will not be enough for the inevitable fate. “B-b-but.” There are absolutely no buts needed because these people can’t even lace up my fucking boots let alone have a chance of beating me in the ring. So I’m going to beckon the question out here that I pray to god you answer and convince me to make me believe you even have a sliver of a chance in that ring, give me a reason you have what it takes. Give me a reason you have what it takes after I worked my ass off for a goddamn calendar year to this point in time, where I’m the only second two-time PURE Champion, and you’re just a bunch of newbies who are the practical rendition of lamb to the slaughter. I want you to enter the ring and look me straight in the eyes and say that you can beat me, I want you to say it with a straight fucking face and make it believable because this match is a bunch of crap. These guys could probably barely give The Woogieman a fight c’mon, what I’m putting out the point is that they’re fucking jokes. They are jokes who haven’t been able to see the bright lights, their ignorance will be their downfall because they fail to see the solid truth of what’s to come in this goddamn business, wake up and smell the roses because you have zero chance in a match if the name “Jake Smith” is alongside yours and across the ring from you. Now people can walk up and try to claim to me in some way shape or form that this is some false sense of confidence, this is just me with some bland ignorance heading into a match, seen it, heard it. But the fact is that despite that I know when I’m right, I knew when I was right at Under Siege, and I knew it every single step of the way, every single path I took was the right one, and it brought me right here. The failures have made me stronger than I ever was before, you two, whatever the fuck your names are, have not experienced failure. You have not felt failure yet and that also be your downfall. You don’t have the strength, you don’t have the power, you don’t have the drive, so you fail to make me believe that you have the chance to beat a champion like me. I do not believe, that you have a chance I’ll be down forth with you on that one, the reason I don’t believe it is because I am a veteran of the craft at this point in my career, forever will be. And you guys haven’t even been here for 2 weeks and believe me you’re going to come into this match thinking you’re some hotshots and that you’re the prospects waiting to demolish and crumble down the hierarchy that I’ve established with me at the top of it, scepter and all. But the painful truth is I don’t believe a single sliver of it, many people have tried, many people have failed. It only takes the elite of the elite to take me down and even then that’s not a guarantee. Harlow Reichert thought she had me all sorted after she beat me twice, but I regained the PURE Championship by beating her, I never lose, because in the end I always win. Yet despite that people still continue to question Under Siege, Harlow did last week, and people forever will if they look back at the tapes. She went through multiple people, had her arm near snapped, smashed through a goddamn broadcasters booth, and I come in there and claim the win because of it, is it not a true win? You see the fact is Harlow boasted the claim that if I’m the last person then she will still beat me, muster out some hidden chi or some shit, but she didn’t, that was a false promise. And believe me, I can predict from how long I’ve been here, that you guys are going to be full of false promises once you, or if you speak. So Chris Steroid Dude and MITSUwhateverthefuckyournamehappenstobeyoufuckingshitassjobber, choose your words wisely whenever you decide to get your head out of your ass and begin to speak, because they will be your poison, the one that will slowly defeat you and force you to succumb to me, yet that’s already a given right? Choose carefully between the red pill and the blue pill because one will signal for your defeat, actually, now that I think about it? How about you guys just don’t like ever speak. I think it would do good for all of us though? You know, think about it, you don’t have to embarrass yourself in front of the camera, and I don’t have to bear your ugly squeaky little voices, it’s a double deal! “But Jake, wouldn’t we lose?” Oh like I care, because I’m not you guys, I’m the one you need to beat and you know one of us has to lose and one of us has to win. And believe me guys, I’ll be completely down forth with you on this, I’ll make sure that The 420s will win. Hell, I’m so confident, give Bronson a break this week, I’ll beat these guys blindfolded with one hand tied behind my back while I’m injured, that would at least give you guys a chance, right? So at the end of the day, this is just like the PURE Gauntlet, a bunch of jobbers trying to get a word in, but easily getting shut down by yours truly. That’s the name of the game, hell might as well name this whole fucking business the Jake Smith Show, it would be much more accurate and boost morale in this fucking shithole. So in case, you guys are too lazy to hear me speak once more and keep on blabbering and what not I’ll give you a caveman lesson. I, Jake Smith, king, you, peasant, absolutely peasant. King better than peasant, king
Bronson mumbles “It go right foot up, left foot slide, left foot up, right foot slide, basically I’m saying either way we ‘boutta slide” in the background as he finally realizes that he’s supposed to start speaking
Bronson Daniels: Oh, am I supposed to come in and speak now? Alright then… Well as my amazing tag partner Jake Smith said, “Mitsubishi” and Chris “Inject My Veins Please” Valliere don’t pose a challenge against us. What will “Mitsubishi” do, pose as a car while Chris stands on top of him and flexes to the hot girls on the beach, right? Well I am sorry to break your heart but both me and Jake are a lot hotter than you. Like a lot. I’m a man of my word. I said I’ll tap out Lucas Johnson and that’s what I did. I had Lucas in the middle of the ring with that Twister locked in as he begged for mercy against me. Lucas talked all that trash and just like Dray Fontana and Shaker Jones, lost. They couldn’t live up to the hype. Every one of them threatened to beat my singles record but this is what happens time and time again. They talk that trash but don’t live up to the hype. They always bow down to the Euphoric Machine. And now, since I’m gonna be in the Grand Rampage match, I’ll go through every single person in that match, main event Pain For Pride, become the EAW Answers World Champion and end Pain For Pride with myself and my partner Jake Smith holding up our titles as the show ends, beginning Season 14 with a BANG! You know, some of EAW’s best are in that match but none are on the level of Bronson Daniels. I get called the selfish rookie around here but none of them have been in that ring with me. Just ask Lucas Johnson, Dray Fontana or even Shaker Jones. They’ll all tell you to just not show up. To stay at home because I am not someone you doubt. You know I kinda wish I could’ve tapped out Lucas Johnson in front of a crowd but oh well. We’re all scared because of some flu. I’ve been telling y’all, smoke some weed and the pain goes away. Back to our opponents now. Congrats on winning your match, MITSUBACHI! I have been watching closely. And I’ll be honest, you’re good but not as good as me or Jake. How do you expect to beat all-time greats like me and Jake? I guess your kicks were good enough to get Jordan Payne down
But oh god! Look at this Chris Valliere man, he’s so damn muscular and so fucking sexy that all the ugly hoes that fuck for free want him. The fangirls are going to speak to their friends about how hot this Chris guy is that just debuted on Showdown That is until you lose your match, of course. Then they’ll go on Twitter and “stan” The 420s. You’ll be forgotten and left alone with your steroids that you pump into those goddamn veins of yours. One of my kicks is stronger than your punch which went through one hundred injections.I have only been here for less than two months but I’m better than all you pussies! Now, I see that I might’ve disappointed some fans by “cheating” against Lucas Johnson and not winning clean. If you ask me, what I did was amazing and not worth complaining about. Maybe you should’ve complained about Shaker Jones main eventing Showdown after I literally BEAT him. But I’m supposed to give you an explanation. I owe those Twitter smarks an explanation right? Well here’s your fucking explanation: I’m smart, you’re not. Does it matter how you win as long as you win? Why do you mad lads get so angry when someone is a bit creative. No, you just want the same old shit: clean finish. In this company, wins matter. Does it matter how you get them? Hell no, if that mattered, Drake King wouldn’t have been the World Heavyweight Champion on Dynasty. Drake is smart. I don’t like him but I admit it. I doubt MITSUBACHI’s dog eating ass and Chris Valliere, the biggest gym rat who to me is just a gym cockroach, are as smart as me. Being smart matters to achieve anything. Jake Smith found success by being smart and the same thing will happen to me. I will sell out shows while you sell out the food in catering. Everyone I’ve beaten so far is scarier than any of you wish to be. None of you make me think “What if they beat me? What if I’m not good enough? What if I’ll become a no one because they got the better of me?” No. I’m so confident going into this. Me and Jake will demolish you. Not even a ton of luck can save you, bro.
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