MATCH PROMO Finna Sneeze In Your Dad's Mouf tbh

Ahren Fournier

Starboi GOAT
EAW ROSTER
Messages
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325
Points
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#1
I'm hopped up on caffeine. Been downing some cappuccinos since D Day know what I'm saying? I'm all wired, jittery. Been going hard with the Jennipurr pets, she be running every time she sees me, but I need my pet fix. It soothes le GOAT, calms le GOAT. Once I get stroking that pussy the nerves go down. I don't know if you heard the news but Christopher went AWOL. He jumped ship. Perhaps you've seen him? He was supposed to be a part of that meeting with Jennifer Punk, but he didn't show. Maybe he's dead.. Maybe he went for a pack of smokes and he'll be back... A GOAT can dream right? I'm hurt, wounded, a sad panda.. But it's ok. You know why? Because I'm STILL Ahren Fournier, and if something doesn't work out in MY career? Then clearly it wasn't meant to happen. That's the universe saying, hey player, bad idea chief. That shit you're doing, is going to lead you down a road I like to call, dead end road. So I would like to go ahead and thank the Universe for taking Christopher away from me, and seeing that I can do something different now. I suppose you would like to call the ILLIONAIRE experiment an utter disaster? Go ahead if it makes you feel better; but just know this; we were consistently giving you the most entertaining parts of any program ever. Did we win the Tag Team Championships? No, but I think we learned a valuable lesson here, which I believe was the whole point to begin with. See I'm an educator, and with that I never stop teaching my little students. Ha tricked you.. We were never trying to actually win the titles.. *ahem*.. See the point of the tag team was to show you, there is no shortcuts in life! You must do the work, and blah blah blah, inspirational words you're not listening anyway. But yeah, Chris Elite sucks.. I've always known that. He was just so pathetic groveling at the GOATS hooves when he begged me to join him. I was gonna say no, but then I thought, tag team wrestling is easy as fuck! You just stand on the apron as the other dude does all the work, then tag yourself in then BAM! you win. But no, I had to take in the Chris Elite variable, and that is, whenever you team with Chris Elite you have a giant anchor tied to your ankle, and it's almost impossible to get your head above water. I should have realized that Chris Elite would never be able to actually be successful, as his career would dictate. And time and time again it was clear, that he just wasn't good enough, and never will be. Very unfortunate stuff, and I'm going to write a heartfelt book about it. I shall title it, "When helping the needy backfires".. I don't know working title, but Chris Elite, oof. This is probably a blessing in disguise. He did as Christopher Elite does, and that is quit on a situation. DIdn't talk to me a like e big boy, just decided to run. And that's ok, because now I can focus on real things that matter, such as... Ring Master? Fuck! That was a horrible segue, because Ring Master doesn't matter whatsoever! I feel like I'm back at square one, but it'll do pig.. It'll do.

HI Ring Master, I'm going to sneeze in your Dad's mouth. No one cares about your dying Dad, ok? So leave that sob story out of this manly man sport. The Fournier's don't have the dying problem that the rest of the world seem to have. We just have superior genes. You know about that life? Of course not, because your Dad is dying like a big old pussy LMAOOOO. Like get totally rekt brother. I cannot believe this right now, how dare you try to disprespect me by having your dying Dad on air. What are you trying to do hmmm? Let's all laugh at the dumb dying Dad for being horrible at living. But yeah, that whole after school special wasn't directed at me so I guess I'll ignore it. Whoa you got 19 views on your YouTube video! That's crazy man, you broke da interwebs. So I guess EAW is about to lose another big time wrestler to the mainstream, very sad. Guess I'll see you dancing on Ellen and stuff and get a big present that changes your life forever. Clearly you need a big change of life seeing that your dying Dad is suffocating you right now. Sheesh, what a selfish prick, it's just like.. Brother if you're going to go, just go, don't make it this whole dragged out thing that annoys everyone. Ain't nobody got time for that, do you know what I"m saying? You wanna brighten up my day? You said that in your YouTube video... And then you go on and insult me? Brighten up these testicles, dumb idiot; that didn't brighten up my day at all! I'm going to beat you up about it. But yeah you said a lot of dumb things, so I guess I'll talk about it. I guess.. You think I'm only known because of Chris Elite? Boi! First of all, I'm the GOAT Interwire Champion, and was literally EAW Champion last year, and was on the semi Main Event of PFP.. Sooooo, get your facts straight. Chris Elite was getting dragged along by Daddy Fournier's big ol daddy dick mmkay? So, let's get that straight. He had to be nurtured back to life by the tit of Fournier, but then.. He decided to bite the tit that fed him.. Now he's on Dynasty, because he like to run away from challenges.. He would run away from himself seeing that he's the most challenged thing of alll.. But that's not possible. Anyway, why would I try to be a leader? Tag Teams aren't about leadership it's about equality. Give and take. You do some, I do some.. It's like a Marriage.. So clearly you'd know nothing about that, naturally. You just have to take my word for it, it had nothing to do with leadership; it had everything to do with Chris Elites ability to have any sort of concentration. I mean you say Chris Elite carried me.. But we hadn't won a match since November.. So where did he carry me to? Clearly the destination wasn't very far. But I wanted to be carried, that's what I wanted my tag team to be. I wanted light work, and success. But Chris wasn't capable of being my bell cow. He wanted me to be the one to carry the load, and it's just like.. Pfft, naw. The only way I'm carrying the load is if I'm carrying it for myself. That's it, I'm the only person worthy of my carrying the load for. We all make mistakes, Chris Elite was just mine.

Ring Master, are you seriously considering the fact that EAW, EAW fans, and anyone who watches EAW aren't familiar with Ahren? Bitch what? Everyone knows the GOAT, former Hardcore Champion, former Interwire Champion.. And greatest Interwire Champion of all time.. Former EAW Champion... Biggest draw in the WORLD! Yeah, everyone knows me, they don't need an explanation. They know what I'm about, and I'm about.. Whooping... Dat.... ASSSSS. Among other things, such as drinking cappuccinos, pelting Jennipurr, nice strolls in the park with Jennipurr, reading books with Jennipurr, giving a pedicures to Jennipurr... You know.. Just a vast amount of activities.. None of which you would have any idea about. But since you are so fixated on wiping my poop filled asshole, let me tell you right now.. I don't poop. That's something heathens do, and I'm above it. That's something that someone like you would do, because you're a disgusting pig, but me? Nope, all you'll get is a scent of roses, and nothing more. How dare you try to drag my name like that, I'm hurt. You will get slapped by the white glove, I'm telling you right now; it's coming. How can you be so blasphemous? Hmm? Such fibs. Such utter bitterness of my perfection. I can't even. Oh wait.. I just realized, you seem to be a therapist! Very interesting.. By the way you're analyzing my mind, and where all my deep rooted issues come from.. Clearly you have some sort of doctorate. Please tell me more about my Daddy issues, I'm all ears. How do you know my Father? Did you work at the mill together? Hmm? It's so great to get a psychoanalymation for free from such a highly respected phsyciain in the field! Who knew that I would find this type of care through EAW. I can finally figure out, why I'm so GOAT; how I got to be GOAT; and all the jazz. So yes, Daddy issues, what else? Ooh I didn't grow up with any authority figure hmmmm, hear that Mom? You should have whooped me with a belt, Ring Master says so. And if you can't rust a man by the name Ring Master, then who can you trust honestly? But yes, go on Ring Master, Dr. Ring Master naturally. Ok and how did you come to this conclusion? Because I lay on the outside of the ring for 99% of the match? .. Hmm, wait.. That doesn't seem to add up to me Dr. Ring Master... oh no.. FRAUUDDD! FRAUUUDDDD! HE'S A PHONY! A FAKE! HE DOESN'T KNOW ANYTHING! Yeah, you're not interested in "the truth"; you're interested in YOUR truth; which could be completely different from the actual truth. But I'm into that sort of thing too, so I feel you player. We gotta play the buffoons I'm the audience don't we? I got you. Oh shit.. More mind reading lemme hear what he has to say... Ok, I behave in an unprofessional manner? Well I am a model turned wrestler that went on a mission to show what kind of hot garbage is, and how easy it was to succeed.. So; yeah.. That's adding up, go on... Oh shit, he's bringing up my OTHER parent now; I don't know how he knows both my parents, this is crazy! I didn't even know I had 2.. Shit.. Oh she decided to drop me on my head as a baby? OMG! How insightful, I don't know how you know so much about my childhood but this has been very insightful.

ANNNNND there it is.. The part where he brings up that he beat Chris and I.. Oh, did he leave out the part where Rex and Raven came down? Of course he did! Hey, Ring... Can I call you Ring? Anyway, if you have any legitimate facts you want to bring up, go ahead, but if you're going to keep yanking my dick around, let's not, mmk? I don't want to hear about you beating me because we both know you didn't ACTUALLY beat me. There's beating someone, and then there is BEATING someone, and you did the opposite. If you want to claim cheap victories go ahead, it won't do you any good when you have to compete on your own.. *GASP* just like this week! You are up against a GOAT all by your lonesome, and you think you have a chance? That's crazy, you're crazy. But yeah, with all this information on my fictitious parents, and other blasphemous lies, you have my engine revving. I cannot believe that you would say such hurtful things when you said you were hear to brighten up my day, YOU DIDN'T BRIGHTEN IT UP AT ALL! Making lies about my parents, trying to act like a therapist, like pffft, naw. Are we not going to analyze you? Mr. Ring Master, Choc Lesnar, don't even have a real name? Hmmm, fishy.. stinks like a fish.... Glub glub bitch. Perhaps you're the one that has shit to hide.. IM ON THE CASE!! Shall I open Trill Fairy detective agency again??!! Don't MAKE me! Trill Fairy died years ago; and he's NEVER coming back.. How dare you make me even utter that name.. Yep, white glove gonna come out, I'm slapping you... You're dead kiddo.
 

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