MATCH PROMO GAWDVERBS: A Machiavellian Guide To Un-Fucking Yourself

Methuselah

GAWDZILLA KHAN.
Staff member
Zadddyyyyy
EAW ROSTER
EAW Hall of Famer
Messages
779
Points
93
Location
Bridgeport, Connecticut
This is not an apology,

I don't want your goddamn forgiveness. Although I've hurt many of your *regurgitates* feelings along the way, I recoil at the thought of you 'forgiving' me as though I were ever in need of even a shred of mercy, let alone grace, from any of you.

This is not an admission of guilt,

The only people in the world I am ever obligated to do right by are myself and my offspring. Period. With a T at the end.

I'm not here to cop a plea, or to give some contrived apology to win over the minds and hearts of the masses. The last thing I would ever do is cling to the ever-so-fleeting fanfare, such as the kind that I've received since I emerged at Gateway To Glory to storm the gates of King Theron's empire of dirt, and put a hole in his decrepit and tattered castle walls.

But for so long I've spoken quite harshly against you - yes you. And while my harshness was truthful, justified and deserved, it was harshness spoken in - dare I say ignorance. Ignorance due to a lack of true understanding. I didn't even so much as make the effort to understand how little you people understand yourself. I remained fixated on the poorly devised outcome of an existence that so many of you live, and refused to acknowledge the root for said 'outcome' that is truly to blame for why your lives are so pathetic. I chose to ignore why it is that you live this way. So in between putting in many hours of work leading this company from the boardroom, I've taken the time and made the effort to do what wrestling fans and Marvel Avengers junkies, virgin weeaboos and comic book fanatics refuse to do with their time even though it would be paramount for them to do so:

I spent actual time with other people.

And by developing an understanding of you, I've grown to develop a better understanding of me. By realizing why you are so much of a disgrace, I've become far more humbled in my own splendor and grace.

You see there's a saying that goes "resistance is futile".

I want to spin that saying a little bit and change it around to "existence is futile".

As in, your existence is futile.

As in, the way you are is by very, very little fault of your own.

That's not an excuse for all of you to continue carrying out the same banal drivel that consists of your daily internal monologue. An internal monologue that consists of excuse making, griping, lamenting, and piss-poor mental gymnastics. I'm just finally coming around to the idea that it's worth acknowledging where your weakness and incompetence comes from. See the majority of you who are watching me right now have been betrayed by your parents. Your parents have sold you up the river for a life of servitude 'rewarded' with an AARP check. Instead of becoming conquerors with kingdoms to hand down to you, they have traded in your freedom in the woebegone hopes of a peaceful death. They have left the onus upon you to become successful, and by sheer Stockholm syndrome you have somehow been convinced that the sheer negligence from your creators is simply 'good parenting.' These are the final prospects from those who gave you life. They themselves who are failures in life who willfully subjected their offspring to subservience under powerful men, such as myself, along with crippling debt, depression, despair, defeatism, and eventually death. That is the life that was both intended as well as promised for the majority of you.

In other words, your mothers were irresponsible hoes who got fucked, and brought a fucked up child into a world that's fucked. That's not excluding any member of the EAW roster, either. The majority of people in this profession are without question morons to begin with if I can be completely candid with you all. Of course I can because what the fuck are any of you going to do about it? The majority of pro-wrestlers are useful idiots who can take enough of a beating to entertain enough (dare I say) 'people' who are willing to shell out their slave wages in order to see a blood and guts shitshow. That's why I cringe every time I'm still referred to as a "professional wrestler" in public by one of these news pundits, or talk show hosts. When they say "professional wrestler Mr. DEDEDE" I groan a thousand groans inside, and you would too if you were me so stop fronting. If you're going to refer to me for what I do inside the ring - you'd better make the distinction between myself and just about everybody else in that profession. The majority of this industry are carny inbred shittercritters who swing weapons at each other and wave-ride pimple face culture into whatever modicum of relevancy they can manage to rummage from the rotund underbelly of society. They outright rip your favorite video game and TV and movie characters aesthetic off and masquerade underneath it as a form of 'personality'. I do not exist in that profession. I do not participate in that world. I am not your friendly neighborhood indy wrassler, What I AM is a WARLORD in modern day flesh. I am a serpent in human form; intentions hidden yet fang baring, hot tempered yet cold blooded, ever-calculating and methodically plotting every part of my attack on my enemies all while salivating on the thought of their anguish-filled cries once my blood stained fangs sink deep into your trachea. I am only in this profession because I was gifted with God-tier genetics that make my physical temple a shrine for you (and your woman) to bow before: face touching your knees FOREHEAD TOUCHING THE FLOOR, MORTALS.

Wrestling became a merit-based honor system of establishing dominance and accruing wealth and power SOLELY thanks to myself. However the platform I provided has been misused so egregiously that this very sport finds itself in the midst of an existential crisis bordering on self-destruction, purely from its identity alone. A similar state of affairs to the one many of you find yourselves and the ones you love in. We are living in the most resource-ample, technologically advanced, interconnected time in human fucking history; yet 'mental illness', 'depression', 'anxiety' is at an all time fucking high. Millennials walking around fat as fuck, living off gushers, talking about "my anxietyyyyy." The state of discontentment has reached a nuclear melting point, debt - both in a personal finances standpoint as well as on a national level - is at an all time high. Every statistic points to the fact that the upcoming generation is the most poverty stricken and chemically imbalanced generation of all time. The life expectancy for western civilization is lowering expeditiously even though your lives have become easier than ever. Wrestling is killing itself. Culture is killing itself. PEOPLE are killing themselves, and do you want to know why?

Because you are all lost without me.

But not anymore.

INTRODUCING THE MAGIC PILL YOU HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR YOUR ENTIRE LIFE:


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GAWDVERBS: A MACHIAVELLIAN GUIDE TO UN-FUCKING YOURSELF,

#NEWHOLYBIBLE

IN BOOKSTORES EVERWHERE FRIDAY JUNE 14TH, WITH PRE-ORDERS AVAILABLE THIS SATURDAY AT NOON PST

You want a way out of your miserable unhappy uneventful unfulfilled sorry lackadaisical shit existence? Working a shit job, making shit pay, eating the shit dinner made by the shit spouse that you settled for? Gawdverbs IS the way. This book is the CHEAT CODE to the losing game of life that you've been playing, that I've been coasting through, and your parents have been sleeping through. It's that simple. I took the keys to the kingdom and I have literally, literally, literally made carbon copies of these keys for the same price as that dusty computer you sit in front of and type mean words about Mr. DEDEDE on all fucking day long. I am going against global hegemonic forces, I am taking up the most cavalier effort since Joan of Arc. See I respect women , I just name dropped one. I am teaching you step by step how to achieve every level of liberation you can possibly achieve in this, or any incarnation of reality.

"Oh DDD is back to sell us more snakeoil" is probably one of the intrusive thoughts rattling through some of your peanut sized simpleton brains. It's OK, I understand. Daddy was a broke ass failure who settled with the out of shape heffer that raised you instead of becoming a conqueror such as myself, so I understand logic isn't most of your strong suits. You weren't molded to be warriors, you weren't bred to be victors, you were conditioned - literally - like farmers, in the agricultural farm calender school systems that have indoctrinated you into becoming the window-licking mentally unstable sacks of shit that you are--

stops and listens to something off-camera


What was that?

listens to publicist off-screen


Who did Starr put me in a match against this week?

...

Cool whatever. Anyways, as I was saying, you have been indoctrinated into becoming a mindless drone by day, and irrational like the hoes you were raised by at night, so I understand if common sense isn't all that very common among you. To anybody doubting the motives of my society-restructuring level piece of non-fiction literature, allow me to put things into perspective to you:

a) I'm a fucking billionaire with a b
b) You aren't.

My words matter more than yours. At least that's what I tell my multiple girlfriends whenvever they try to talk out of turn. I'm richer than you, I'm smarter than you, I'm stronger than you, and if you disagree then let's fight. That's what I tell my concubines when they speak without being spoken to, and I'd like to think that the lot of you have quite a bit in common with my concubines. All the majority of you have done is make false promises your entire lives and tether your identities to the few and far between deeds of actual merit that you can even account for in your otherwise inconsequential time here on this planet. Hell fuck it while I'm on the subject of window-licking crayon eating dregs of society, my publicist has just informed me that I happen to be facing one of the examples of 'pro wrestlers' that I literally just brought up as an antithetical example to what I represent as as a wrestler not even five minutes ago. You see there's a little bit of a thing that exists called 'gravitas' which of course applies to everything I say. When I make a promise, it means more than anything any ramblings of an inconsistent early onset dementia having manlet like Bowie Gray could ever ever ever have to say. There are really only two types of 'professional wrestler' when you break such a vague term down to two polar categories. There are the likes of Bowie Gray and the likes of me. Okay, obviously there's no other entity like me in the ring or outside of it, but there are those who lean much closer to the Bowie Gray dichotomy and there are the select few in history who could pass off as being something in the realm of being my peer.

I'll give Bowie Gray his credit, people will pay to watch him. Droves of them. Albeit in bingo halls, but droves of people no less. If you want to call them 'people' I don't know I mean I guess you have to even though by their smell it's honestly debatable. Who knows though, the EAW machine every so often finds a way to put makeup on a pig and decorate the likes of Bowie Gray into a Diamond Cage or a Darkane. That's a pretty decent ceiling to have especially for somebody so devoid of merit like this guy; however as discussed in my book Gawdverbs: every ceiling is a dark cloud hanging over your head if you allow yourself to believe that ceilings exist. Men like me put the roof over so many of your heads whether you love me or hate me, that's why my return at Gateway to Glory blew the roof off of the non-existent ceiling of the Seoul World Cup Stadium. My name - like my word - comes with gravitas. Bowie Gray's word comes with psychobabble doublespeak with a side of empty threats that nobody bothers to listen to. That's why he's only showed up like once in the last six months. I've showed up more than Bowie Gray has on Dynasty and I've been off the road since mid-March. It's why I'm not impressed with his victory against bums in the CITV qualifier. Congratulations you qualified to qualify for a title opportunity. Wow Starr you sure know how to pick worthy opponents for me don't you. Guy won a match at a FPV and I don't even remember if we televised that shit. Oh he's qualified to face me because he won a 'qualifier', yeah ok, I'm more qualified to be World Champion than the fucking Answers World Champion himself, win a couple of matches consistently kid then we can have a consversation. We are in different tax brackets, we drive in different lanes, we fly in different planes, I'm on a different plane.

It's far too easy for EAW Elitists who are known for having big fucking mouths to mock schizophrenic glorified rabid street rats like Bowie Gray, until you realize the harrowing truth that most of you are closer to him than you are to me on the scale of quality in human beings. Many of you are Shih Tzu's speaking like you're Sun Tzu, your vainglorious false sense of confidence exists because Gawd hasn't come to cut you down yet. Only Gawdverbs can free you from your lack of self-awareness. And rest assured, I'm not here to destroy the clay monuments you've erected in your own image which exists in the form of your own ego - all for my own self amusement. I'm not here to punch down, I am here to uplift. Gawdverbs is here to reconstruct your own mental image and your view of this world, until your views match mine, and your trajectory in life mirrors mine. My book is the most selfless act in the history of humanity, it is the equivalent of putting millions of dollars in your bank account. This isn't a "cash grab", I don't want any more of your money, I already have plenty of yours to last untold generations. Join me in my lonely plane of existence by pre-ordering Gawdverbs and accept my invitation into the future of humanity, or be left behind and find yourself in the same level of ruin Bowie Gray will find himself after I rip his weak and feeble booster seat needing midget ass right where he stands on Dynasty.

sniffs arrogantly, looking off into the distance with twinkling eyes

Alas, I find myself toeing the line between savior and destroyer, and I tread gracefully upon that very fine line by destroying all of the institutions that you cling to. And by doing so I... no... we will erect a far more splendid monument in my....no..... our image.

That's God.

Buy my book.
 

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