MATCH PROMO If we live in a computer simulation, does this match exist?

Cody Marshall

Oh boy what do we got here? The Heart Break Boy -- more like Heart Failure middle-aged mid-life crisis boy at his age -- and the fake news spewing fraudster who claims to have debuted in 2016 when the facts clearly show he got his start damn near a decade ago. You already know who it is, it's Chris Elite. Coming straight from the hood. Representing... Something, it's definitely something alright.

Chris Elite knows every time he sees my name next to his on the card he'll win. Good for you, Chris. Have a fucking trophy or something. At the end of the day nobody except you will remember those matches. One thing I'll always remember is watching you scream and cry like a bitch after I kneed you in the balls, and believe me they were hard to find. Hell I didn't even know I'd made contact with anything till I saw you crumple to the mat like someone just got the strap and pulled the trigger on your bitch ass. Last week's match didn't mean shit and neither does this one. I'm gonna down a couple cases of Budweiser and go out there and lay waste to all y'all sons of bitches. This shit's gonna end in a disqualification, or there's gonna be some bullshit interference, and everybody knows it. If I weren't contractually obligated I wouldn't even show up to what's obviously just a set up for Diamond Cage to come in with a crowbar and start swinging that big ol thing around like the dick he wishes he had. Fucker. If Cage shows up he ain't walking out. If Big Mike wants to throw hands I'll grab a fucking chainsaw and throw his hands into the crowd. Kidding. That could go all kinds of wrong. I'll still kick his ass though.

Who's my partner again? Right, Ahren Fournier. He says it's pronounced Aaron, it looks like AW-REN to me. It's like John Kasich -- very low energy person. Says it's KAY-SICK but it sounds like KAY-SICH. Sad! No wonder he couldn't even come close to beating Trump in the primaries. When did this Euro trash shit come to America? Spelling shit the way it aint supposed to be spelled, saying shit with funny accents... we gotta build that wall. President T has the right idea. We will build an impenetrable, physical, beautiful, tall, southern border wall. Wall spelled backwards is Law with an extra L, and that L belongs to Chris Elite and HBB.

I'll say more some other time. We got a finite amount of breaths on this earth and if you use em all up in one promo you'll die early. This is medical fact, heard about it on the Alex Jones Infowars podcast. Fascinating stuff. Did you know that vaccines cause autism? Or that Chris Elite is a Kenyan foreign intelligence agent?

I'm kidding.

Or am I?

Think about it. How do we know this world were living in isn't just a dream, or some kind of computer simulation??? If it's a computer simulation that'd be great. Then I'm not an alcoholic, the AI simulating me just has some bugs that some smart programmer with a pocket protector will figure out some day. But wait a minute, if we live in a simulation then that would mean neither I nor HBB or Chris Elite or Ahren or Kassidy ever existed. That would mean tomorrow's match doesn't exist. Mind blowing.

What did I just say?

I think someone spiked my Budweiser.

God bless America. God bless George Bush.

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