Remi is sitting in front of a streaming setup about to broadcast live on Twitch. She’s making last minute adjustments to the setup when her phone goes off with the Peanuts theme. Remi answers excitedly
Sally! How are you liking Vegas...wait...Revy NO! It’s shooting craps, not caps!...Yes, I’m sure...Yeah, I’m doing this stream deal, then I’ll meet you back at the room...huh? Well, sure, I guess Wayne Newton is okay...Alright, yeah this thing shouldn’t take that long...Oh, it’s Oregon Trail, but I’m gonna name everyone after the Empire roster...Oh, hey! TLA hooked us up with tickets to the Poon Palace after Pain for Pride...Jeez, Sally, do you gotta shoot your pistol every time you celebrate something...Okay, yeah, I guess you’re right, if it isn’t worth shooting a hole in the ceiling it’s not worth celebrating..Alright, bye, Sally.
Smiling slightly, Remi pockets her phone and moves the microphone a bit closer to her before sighing heavy.
Alright, Remi, let’s do this…
She starts the stream and opens Oregon Trail on her computer. As the title screen tune loops she adjusts the volume and starts speaking into the mic.
Alright, hi everyone...uh...Viktor Jackson told me this would be a good way to connect with my fanbase, looks like there are a few hundred of you here, that’s pretty cool! So, I’m gonna play a game that a lot of kids, at least where I’m from, has played: Oregon Trail! Dah...dah...dahhhhhhh! She laughs I’ve got a special treat though...since it’s Pain for Pride week, I thought it’d be cool to name all the characters after EAW Wrestlers!
Remi starts the game. The first screen asks her to pick a background.
Let’s see...I am, I guess, a shop owner from Illinois...Okay, it will be me and four other people, she taps her chin thoughtfully I think I got it!
She enters her name, Remi, then she names the second traveler Sally, the third one Cloud, the fourth Kassidy and the fifth Raven.
Alright, this is my party, now time for one of Kassidy’s favorite pastimes: shopping! Now, I know Oregon Trail isn’t that deep, so to keep it fun, I’m going to do certain actions, like shop, for example, as if one of my characters are doing it...so, let’s let Sally and Kassidy go shopping!
Remi buys supplies, prioritizing bullets and clothes, to the exclusion of everything but a single pair of oxen and like 10 pounds of food.
Welp...this is getting off to a great start guys! Eh, what the Hell, let’s go to Oregon! Oh, look, we don’t have enough food for everyone, sooo to be diplomatic, we’ll randomly choose who doesn’t eat...she smirks and by randomly, I mean Raven, sorry babe, but hey, you’re massive, you can go a few days without eating hardtack. Okay, here we go! Remi’s wagon is traveling along at a snail's pace. After a few seconds she grows impatient.
Alright, time to pump the gas...she changes her travel speed to “strenuous” and the poor wittle oxen’s feet start moving at an insane pace.
That’s better! Alllllllright, now it’s time to hunt, Sally will be doing this.
The hunting minigame starts and Remi shoots a total of 8 buffalo, 5 deer, and a rabbit. The total amount of usable meat is one deer and a rabbit.
The party continues on towards Chimney Rock.
Chimney Rock here we come! A few seconds later Remi gets a screen pop Raven, you stupid bitch! You can’t pet snakes! Jaysus Christmas! Welp, there ya go, guys my first death is Raven...big surprise there. Here lies Raven...she lived as she died, trusting snakes. Everyone a moment of silence please for Raven...Alright, now on to Chimney Rock!
As the wagon train moves on she takes a minute to read the chat.
Okay, so this guy, or girl, i guess...I dunno, #astraeabetta2013 wants to know why I decided to bring Raven along since I hate her so much...well, that’s a good question, see, I knew I was sending Revy and Kassidy shopping and that all they would come back with would be like fifteen boxes of bullets and five sets of clothes for each person, so I needed someone to fill in as either a replacement wagon wheel, or ox if need be. Really it was selfish of her to try to pet that snake...she shrugs What can ya do though? Oh, hey! We’re in Chimney Rock! Let’s send Cloud out this time, she’s a responsible adult...well, look at that, Kassidy and Revy, Cloud spent money on food and spare wagon wheels! Cloud is now second in command, which hopefully means she won’t catch typhoid or something...westward-ho!
Remi plays through the game for the next several minutes, doing her square best to eradicate the virtual buffalo population along the way. Deciding to break up the gameplay, she reads another chat.
Okay, #JadedHeartPayne wants to know why I choose Kassidy but not Sienna...well, that’s easy. I’m planning on fording every river and everyone knows that Kassidy will just float if the wagon wrecks. Sienna would just whine the whole time about the lack of moisturizer, and about how there were too many Native Americans in the American west. No one has time for that. By the way, I woulda picked Daisy, but she’s in Washington, and it would make zero sense to go all the way to Washington, then back to Missouri to then go to Oregon...Dammit! She gets another screen pop.
Cloud has walked into the desert. You spend the rest of the day searching for them but they cannot be found...Wow! Cloud just teleported to Oregon! We’re comin’ Mami, sorry about, well, all of Sally’s jokes! Hey, look, we’re almost there! Okay, see, #JadedHeartPayne? This is Kassidy’s moment! We’re gonna ford a river!
The wagon slowly makes its way across the the river, then about halfway through the wagon tilts and starts to capsize.
Noooooooooooooooooo! Not the thousands of Buffalo skins we collected! Not Jerry, and Stephano, the Oxen who pulled us across the country! Noooooooooooooo!
After the animation plays of the wagon capsizing, another pop comes up.
WHAT!? Kassidy drowned!? THAT WAS THE VERY THING SHE WASN'T SUPPOSED TO DO! IHFSJKLSDH UIHCUIOBH! Wait!
The river was the last stop before the ending destination, a short fanfare plays accompanied by the victory screen.
Oh, hey...Congratulations! You have made it to Oregon! Let’s see how many points you earned!
Two people in good health? I guess Cloud teleporting doesn’t count toward my points...makes sense I guess. Let’s see, that’s 800 points...no wagon, no oxen...500 bullets, and 2.37$ that brings my point total up to...wow...825 points...She tilts her head and tents her fingers in front of herself as if preparing to discuss dire news.
What have we learned, friends? Her eyebrows shoot up. We’ve learned that Cloud Matsuda will teleport away if you annoy her enough...Raven thinks snakes are friends, and that silicon in fact does not float...important life lessons for you all...She smiles and waves into the camera Okay, though, that was it for Pain for Pride trail...I guess if this takes off I’ll try it again sometime later. Make sure you check out Pain For Pride this week, you can get it on the EAW App, so you’re just a ten spot away from the biggest wrestling show of the year! She points her thumb over her shoulder But for now, I gotta go, you guys take it easy!
Remi reaches up and cuts the stream.
Sally! How are you liking Vegas...wait...Revy NO! It’s shooting craps, not caps!...Yes, I’m sure...Yeah, I’m doing this stream deal, then I’ll meet you back at the room...huh? Well, sure, I guess Wayne Newton is okay...Alright, yeah this thing shouldn’t take that long...Oh, it’s Oregon Trail, but I’m gonna name everyone after the Empire roster...Oh, hey! TLA hooked us up with tickets to the Poon Palace after Pain for Pride...Jeez, Sally, do you gotta shoot your pistol every time you celebrate something...Okay, yeah, I guess you’re right, if it isn’t worth shooting a hole in the ceiling it’s not worth celebrating..Alright, bye, Sally.
Smiling slightly, Remi pockets her phone and moves the microphone a bit closer to her before sighing heavy.
Alright, Remi, let’s do this…
She starts the stream and opens Oregon Trail on her computer. As the title screen tune loops she adjusts the volume and starts speaking into the mic.
Alright, hi everyone...uh...Viktor Jackson told me this would be a good way to connect with my fanbase, looks like there are a few hundred of you here, that’s pretty cool! So, I’m gonna play a game that a lot of kids, at least where I’m from, has played: Oregon Trail! Dah...dah...dahhhhhhh! She laughs I’ve got a special treat though...since it’s Pain for Pride week, I thought it’d be cool to name all the characters after EAW Wrestlers!
Remi starts the game. The first screen asks her to pick a background.
Let’s see...I am, I guess, a shop owner from Illinois...Okay, it will be me and four other people, she taps her chin thoughtfully I think I got it!
She enters her name, Remi, then she names the second traveler Sally, the third one Cloud, the fourth Kassidy and the fifth Raven.
Alright, this is my party, now time for one of Kassidy’s favorite pastimes: shopping! Now, I know Oregon Trail isn’t that deep, so to keep it fun, I’m going to do certain actions, like shop, for example, as if one of my characters are doing it...so, let’s let Sally and Kassidy go shopping!
Remi buys supplies, prioritizing bullets and clothes, to the exclusion of everything but a single pair of oxen and like 10 pounds of food.
Welp...this is getting off to a great start guys! Eh, what the Hell, let’s go to Oregon! Oh, look, we don’t have enough food for everyone, sooo to be diplomatic, we’ll randomly choose who doesn’t eat...she smirks and by randomly, I mean Raven, sorry babe, but hey, you’re massive, you can go a few days without eating hardtack. Okay, here we go! Remi’s wagon is traveling along at a snail's pace. After a few seconds she grows impatient.
Alright, time to pump the gas...she changes her travel speed to “strenuous” and the poor wittle oxen’s feet start moving at an insane pace.
That’s better! Alllllllright, now it’s time to hunt, Sally will be doing this.
The hunting minigame starts and Remi shoots a total of 8 buffalo, 5 deer, and a rabbit. The total amount of usable meat is one deer and a rabbit.
The party continues on towards Chimney Rock.
Chimney Rock here we come! A few seconds later Remi gets a screen pop Raven, you stupid bitch! You can’t pet snakes! Jaysus Christmas! Welp, there ya go, guys my first death is Raven...big surprise there. Here lies Raven...she lived as she died, trusting snakes. Everyone a moment of silence please for Raven...Alright, now on to Chimney Rock!
As the wagon train moves on she takes a minute to read the chat.
Okay, so this guy, or girl, i guess...I dunno, #astraeabetta2013 wants to know why I decided to bring Raven along since I hate her so much...well, that’s a good question, see, I knew I was sending Revy and Kassidy shopping and that all they would come back with would be like fifteen boxes of bullets and five sets of clothes for each person, so I needed someone to fill in as either a replacement wagon wheel, or ox if need be. Really it was selfish of her to try to pet that snake...she shrugs What can ya do though? Oh, hey! We’re in Chimney Rock! Let’s send Cloud out this time, she’s a responsible adult...well, look at that, Kassidy and Revy, Cloud spent money on food and spare wagon wheels! Cloud is now second in command, which hopefully means she won’t catch typhoid or something...westward-ho!
Remi plays through the game for the next several minutes, doing her square best to eradicate the virtual buffalo population along the way. Deciding to break up the gameplay, she reads another chat.
Okay, #JadedHeartPayne wants to know why I choose Kassidy but not Sienna...well, that’s easy. I’m planning on fording every river and everyone knows that Kassidy will just float if the wagon wrecks. Sienna would just whine the whole time about the lack of moisturizer, and about how there were too many Native Americans in the American west. No one has time for that. By the way, I woulda picked Daisy, but she’s in Washington, and it would make zero sense to go all the way to Washington, then back to Missouri to then go to Oregon...Dammit! She gets another screen pop.
Cloud has walked into the desert. You spend the rest of the day searching for them but they cannot be found...Wow! Cloud just teleported to Oregon! We’re comin’ Mami, sorry about, well, all of Sally’s jokes! Hey, look, we’re almost there! Okay, see, #JadedHeartPayne? This is Kassidy’s moment! We’re gonna ford a river!
The wagon slowly makes its way across the the river, then about halfway through the wagon tilts and starts to capsize.
Noooooooooooooooooo! Not the thousands of Buffalo skins we collected! Not Jerry, and Stephano, the Oxen who pulled us across the country! Noooooooooooooo!
After the animation plays of the wagon capsizing, another pop comes up.
WHAT!? Kassidy drowned!? THAT WAS THE VERY THING SHE WASN'T SUPPOSED TO DO! IHFSJKLSDH UIHCUIOBH! Wait!
The river was the last stop before the ending destination, a short fanfare plays accompanied by the victory screen.
Oh, hey...Congratulations! You have made it to Oregon! Let’s see how many points you earned!
Two people in good health? I guess Cloud teleporting doesn’t count toward my points...makes sense I guess. Let’s see, that’s 800 points...no wagon, no oxen...500 bullets, and 2.37$ that brings my point total up to...wow...825 points...She tilts her head and tents her fingers in front of herself as if preparing to discuss dire news.
What have we learned, friends? Her eyebrows shoot up. We’ve learned that Cloud Matsuda will teleport away if you annoy her enough...Raven thinks snakes are friends, and that silicon in fact does not float...important life lessons for you all...She smiles and waves into the camera Okay, though, that was it for Pain for Pride trail...I guess if this takes off I’ll try it again sometime later. Make sure you check out Pain For Pride this week, you can get it on the EAW App, so you’re just a ten spot away from the biggest wrestling show of the year! She points her thumb over her shoulder But for now, I gotta go, you guys take it easy!
Remi reaches up and cuts the stream.
