PROMO ASSISTANCE & SERVICES THREAD

Impact

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#1
I know many of you are new to this kind of environment in e-feds, but we've all got the potential for growth. That being said, if you're looking for ways to spice up your promos and enhance your writing abilities at a more brisk pace, look no further. The EAW staff, myself included, and anybody else who wants to chime in will happily share their knowledge with you. Everybody has a different recipe for their success, but it starts by following the basics. Areas of focus include, but are not limited to:

- Selling your character as a heel
- Selling your character as a face
- Developing consistent patterns in promos (i.e. not switching your gimmick every week in promos, hashing out a consistent tone, not contradicting yourself when making points targeting your opponent)
- Your motive, backstory, any detail character-oriented and outstretching the bare essentials of "I'm scheduled against you this week on (show) and I'm going to win." Why are you going to win? Why do you want to win? Why do you "need the win" more than your opponent?

If you're wondering how you can improve, what you excelled at, or what you could stand to do better in your promos, feel free to post one of your works here and expect feedback after one of our veteran assistants has perused it. We will cover the aforementioned precepts, but a more significant influence pertaining to those ground rules could be the content you post here for review. Note for those interested in help that posting a promo on this thread is encouraged, but optional. Reviewers won't hesitate to read your promos on the forum if necessary. Don't be afraid to ask questions related to anything about your promos here!

Post away.
 
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Ronn Bank$

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#2
We'll be posting general advice and tips in this thread as time goes by. We fully expect those of you who know you can use the help to take advantage of this thread. Otherwise we'll have to @ you and give you unsolicited feedback regardless. We wanna see you all become as great as you can be.
 

Liam Archer

The Outlaw
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#3
Latest promo

The promo begins in a bar, in Dublin, Ireland. The camera pans over to Liam having a drink with some people, before he noticed the camera and turned around.

"Oh! Sorry you had to find me here. I didn't know you were coming over today. Anyways, welcome to Temple Bar. The place I go to lick my wounds, have a few beers and play some pool. So, your all probably wondering: "What am I doing here, addressing you all today?" Good question, and I'll answer it right now. So, Dustin Diamond just released his reply to my promo on him. And so, I am here to reply to the reply he sent me. Weird stuff, I know. But, think of this as a second promo by yours truly. Good? Good. So, let's not hesitate"

Liam then haves another sip of his drink, before pulling up his phone and beginning to watch Dustin Diamond's promo. He finishes looking at it and turns to the camera, as people around him begin to chat.

"So, Dustin said that I should be more focused on him than Lucian Baal. First off, Dustin, I am not interested in you right now. Lucian was the one who dropkicked me last week, not you. So, to say I should be more focused on you isn't really a good idea . Because, that's a good thing, that I ain't focused on you. Because, if I was, I would end up beating the living SHIT OUT OF YOU, in our match. But, since I'm looking to send a message to Lucian, all I am gonna do to you is hurt you. Nothing too major. Just.....hurt you. I ain't worried about you, Dustin. You are merely a obstacle, on my road to facing Baal. He wants me to prove I'm worthy to Face him. So, he wants me to beat you, and anyone else I can, to show him I'd be ready for him. I already have him figured out. It's pretty obvious that's what he wants. He says I'm growing eyes in the back of my head, for NO reason. He's wrong. I'm always ready for a attack from behind. If anyone tries that shit on me, I'll already be prepared for them. I've always had it. It's just never been as essential as it have been right now. People want to beat me up. People want to make me suffer. And to do that, they need to get the jump on me. So, I'm always prepped for any assaults from behind. So Dustin, my mind games aren't that special. They're just to strike fear into you all. They're just to send a message. "

"Another thing he ended up saying is how I bitched, like a little school girl. THAT...was when YOU FUCKED UP. Not insulting my focus on Lucian, not complaining about my "useless" eyes in the back of my head. It was that ONE REMARK...that made me want to reply. Because....you crossed the line. And, you DAMN SURE ARE GOING TO REGRET SAYING THAT. One thing...You DON'T want to do...is piss a psycho off. You say I'm jealous, that your life is better than mine. Well, why would I be jealous of the life of a overzealous bastard, like you? Answer: I don't. Because I WORKED to get here. I worked to come to a place like REVOLT. I've busted my ass so much, in every league I've been in. Meanwhile, you've probably just walked in, with your inflated head and ego held high, and just inserted yourself into this. You have no talent. All I see in you....is a guy who thinks he's all great, JUST BECAUSE HE'S RICH. And HOW DARE YOU INSULT MY FAMILY!? My father died, trying to protect me. HE FUCKING DIED! They raised me well. They taught me how to endure pain. They taught me the things I know today, meanwhile your glad you just got born into the right family? Pathetic.....just pathetic. You know what? Remember what I said, about just hurting you? Well...I take it back....I damn take it back "

Liam clearly looks pissed, after unloading some of his anger, but isn't done at all. He looks calmly into the camera again.

"Come....this Saturday....You are a dead man. Dustin Diamond, YOU ARE A DEAD MAN. You think you can insult my heritage, my family, and just go on, unscathed? Your damn wrong. You know what? I'm gonna do what you asked me to do. I'm gonna focus all of my anger, all of my frustration, on YOU. You've wanted me to focus on you. Well , your about to get your head caved in so much, your parents will have regretted making you the snobbish man you ARE. Maybe...when I beat your ass....you'll realise....that you never....And I MEAN NEVER....insult another man's FAMILY. My father aabused me, yes, but I understand now. I understand, what he was trying to do. He beat me, to help me. He knew I was a good fighter. He knew what I was capable of. But....I rejected him...And he ended up getting killed,because of me. If only....I saw it back then. If I did, he would still be alive. My barbed wire bat is the only thing I have left, that reminds me of him. I added the barbed wire to the bat, to show our connection. I use it whenever I can. But...I swear....to my dad....to my mother...to all my fans. I WILL USE IT...And I will use it on Dustin. Because, he's the person who deserves it the most. You know, you taught me something very important, in your promo. You really did. And that thing is: sometimes, you need to focus on the people around you, for they can be the most deadly. They...can be the ones who harm you the worst. Not with pain, with words. "

"Thank you, Dustin Diamond, for showing me this. I really appreciate it. You have shown me the other side of things. Lucian can wait, for now. Right now, you are my main focus. Nothing...will stop me from making you pay, for what you said. It's not true, isn't it. "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me". Well, I am hurt, by your words. But, I'm gonna move on from it. I've dealt with worse. I've had my arm broken by a chair, I've lost two matches in one night. Hell, I even lost in 7 seconds, once. But, all of that is behind me. I've experienced those things already. Now, it's time to worry about the new things. The new situations, in front of me. Because, this a new dawning. A new chapter, in my life. There will be highs. There will be lows. But, it will be fun. You wanna show me what a real champion looks like? Well, I'm pretty sure I'll show everyone the same thing. Except, the champion in the making...won't be you. It'll be me. You've really fucked up, Dustin. And now, you will pay the price, for crossing the line. I know, I'm repeating myself. But, I don't care. I repeat myself to get my point across. That's how I roll."

The noise in the bar gets quiet, as everyone looks up at Liam, who has now stood up on a bar table, as he looks around at everyone

"This is it, Dustin. Your judgment day....has arrived. You've insulted me, you've insulted my family....And now, you will be taken to court. Forget Ryan Ransik. I beat that motherfucker, one on one,no matter how much he wants to say how he's beaten me in tag matches. I am the judge. I am the Hitman. I AM...THE OUTLAW....LIAM...ARCHER. And Dustin, I am COMING....for YOU. "

Liam then grabs a pint of Bulmers. He then raised it up, and shouted out loud:

"Bottoms up, people!!!! "

The crowd of people in the bar cheer, and then begin to cheers each other, as Liam climbs down, sits back in his chair and just smirks at the camera, as it slowly fades out
 
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DampshawIII

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#4
I'll post my last two promos.

(Part I of this promo was taken outside of the arena following Reginald Dampshaw III's lost to Hurricane Hawk at REVOLT 1)
No...no no no no no no no NO NO NO NO NO NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! This isn't real...it isn't...this is all a nightmare. A very vivid, lucid nightmare. I won't believe it. Ha...ha..hahahahahah where's my championship? Where is it? WHERE'S MY GODDAMNED CHAMPIONSHIP?!? Hawk...I beat you. I BEAT YOU! I DID! I DID! Everyone saw it in that arena. I told The Chamber I didn't want them involved and what did they do? They took it upon themselves to be rash and not see the bigger picture. They...they will pay for what they did. They will pay for costing me that championshi-BUT I WON I DID I REALLY WON I AM THE CHAMPION! Crichton! Crichton! Get my championship!

where
is
he
i
need
him

Why? Why did you let me down again? You told me this was my time. You told me this was my destiny. I was going to claim my throne as the rightful king.

Reginald fell down
broke his crown
and no one came
tumbling after
I don't know what to do. Where do I go from this? How can I show my face in that ring after that? I have to start over. I have to get rid of all of the fluff. All of the nonsense in my life. The Chamber was a mistake, a rare one in my life. I thought I needed protection, but what I really needed was to just focus on myself. I can't do this anymore...I can't keep coming up short. This was it. This was my crowning. I...I'm a broken man...DADDY I'M SORRY I LET YOU DOWN

HAWK THIS ISN'T OVER BETWEEN US YOU WILL DIE AT MY HAND
I am the king i am

i am
i am
i am
i am
i am
i am
i am
i am
i am



(PART II IS TAKEN AT REGINALD'S ESTATE WITH CRICHTON MERRIWEATHER)


Crichton Merriweather: Well, how do you still not know where he is? It's been almost a damn week and no one can find him? What did I pay you for then? You're useless! Useless!

Employee 1: Still nothing, sir?

Crichton: No. I can't handle this at my age...All of this stress plus I'm still recovering from Hurricane Hawk's attack on me Saturday. It's enough to make me want to retire. But we must find Master Reginald. I know he has had previous...incidents but this time I really feel like this is his tipping point. He was so sure he was going to win that Light Heavyweight Championship. Talking about how he was told by his ancestors that he would leave victorious. I only went along with it because whenever I questioned him, he would get so angry..almost scared that he knew what he was saying and hearing wasn't real and someone questioning him only seem to lucidify that fact. Now his own delusions have lied to him. Something very bad is going to happen...

Employee 2: Sir! I've received an anonymous videotape that is said to be made by Master Reginald!

Crichton: Well then..put it in!

I've had some time to calm down and really think about what transpired Saturday night. Where everything went wrong. And the more I think about it...none of it was my fault. It was all Alistair Kingsley and Charles Dawson Wenthington's doing. Their idiocy and selfishness cost me that match. And...I blame you too, Crichton. You got involved too. But, Crichton, unlike The Chamber, I forgive you. But just this once. So I want you to do something. I know I have a match Sunday night against a man called MZA, and I'll get to that in a moment, but I want you to do this. I want you to put Mr. Kingsley and Mr. Wenthington in a nice hotel in Kentucky. Full 5 star treatment, food service, sauna, hot tub, all of that. Then I want you to bring them to the finest restaurant in town and then drive them to the arena in the nicest limousine you can afford. Have some champagne on ice in the back. I want you to spoil them to the highest degree, because when I meet both of them in the ring before my match...I'm going to kill them. And this isn't some hyperbole. I am going to literally end their lives for what they've done to me. And if you feel like you need to alert the authorities or their families about the danger they're in and the threats I just uttered, I understand. But, know this. whether it's Sunday night or later, The Wall Street Journal will be ended by my hands.

As for my opponent, MZA...I..really don't have much to say about him. How can I focus on a match when I just lost the most important one of my life? This seems trivial. This seems like Revolt knows my anguish and my pain and are just throwing me into a fight without regards for my mental or physical well being. I'm just a commodity for them. They don't care how hurt I am. They just want to see some blood. Well...I'll give them some blood. I don't know anything about this MZA person and I don't care to know. I've never met him and I've never bothered to watch any of his matches. He could be good, he could be bad. It makes no difference to me. All of my anger, frustration and bitterness will be taken out on three men: Kingsley, Wenthington and MZA. As for The Wall Street Journal, I might want to draw it out over quite a while, maybe torture them a bit. They deserve slow, agonizing ends. But for MZA, I don't even want to wrestle him, so I just end him quickly and efficiently as to not have to waste any more of my time on him.

Also, Crichton. I will no longer be needing your services as my social media manager, my valet or my business liaison. You are my servant and nothing more. Do these things for me and no harm will come to you. Understand? I will see you Sunday night.
Employee 2: I guess we know where to find him in a few days.

Crichton: Yes..well..everyone get out! I have Master Reginald's business to attend to!

Very important person...very important person...very..important..person. The only important person I see around here is me. I told everyone that if it was not for The Chamber getting involved in my match at Revolt 1, I would be standing here Light Heavyweight Champion. Hurricane Hawk didn't have me beat. If anything, The Chamber distracting him was a merciful diversion for him. If they didn't try and get themselves involved like the selfish pieces of filth that they are, I would have ended Hawk's career. So congratulations, Hawk. You owe all of your treasured little amenities now because of two imbecilic swine. But you're not going to get a chance to thank them because I made sure they will no longer be able to walk, let alone wrestle for this or any promotion again. I know people are going to be complaining that I need to take my loss like a man and move on, but they don't understand. They don't understand the severity and magnitude of my loss. Me losing to Hurricane Hawk is equivalent to Jesus Christ himself being put on the cross. But, just like The Lord, I will be resurrected. It is already beginning. This isn't over, Hawk. Look at Charles Dawson Wenthington. Look at Alistair Kingsley. Look at MZA. They were just the first. MZA...that poor, poor soul. He was in the wrong place at the wrong time. And now...well, let me see...

"Mr. Sami Price, 22, of Milwaukee, Wisconsin, was brought in and treated for multiple severe concussions, a broken orbital bone, severe blood loss and a possible brain hemorrhage. As of this time, Mr. Price is still in the ER and is being looked at possibly being put into critical condition."

ha...hahaha....HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

It’s raining, it’s pouring
The old man is snoring
He went to bed and he bumped his head
And couldn’t get up in the morning


That was merely a warm up. The next opponent will be too. And the next one, and the one after that, Hawk, until I get to you again. I will have another chance at claiming that Light Heavyweight Championship. I will not stop until it's in my hands, no matter what I have to do. And that brings me to you, "VIP". Look, I'm sick and tired of the same song and dance. I talk about the man I wrestle, talk him up about how much I respect his acumen, do a little bit of research on him and make some oh so cute little jabs at his lifestyle in my oh so cute little English accent and everyone laughs and says "Oh how funny this Reginald Dampshaw III is. He's so pompous and foppish!" I'm tired of it because it doesn't matter. Nothing I say about you and nothing you say about me is going to change what's going to happen to you Sunday night. Let me guess...you're going to make fun of my ancestry. You're going to make fun of my accent. You're going to make fun of the fact that I was born into wealth and that I have a butler. And then, finally, you're going to make fun of the fact that I lost the biggest match of my career. Let me save you some time.

Allow me to speak to you by your real name, since I don't respect the soon to be deceased. Understand this, Mr. Lugo. Sunday night, there isn't going to be any VIP treatment for you. No limousines, no red carpets, no loose little girls to put on each arm. No, the only thing you are going to be receiving is the single worst pain you've ever felt in your life. Take all of the times you've hurt yourself as a young boy, all of the injuries you've racked up training to become a professional wrestler. And then take all of the times you were away from your loved ones, missing birthday parties, anniversaries, weddings, graduations, all because you chose this path. Put all of that physical and emotional pain and realize that those were the best days of your life, because as soon as you step into that ring with me, you're going to miss that pain and wish you felt that instead of what I'm going to do to you. You have no chance Sunday night, boy. You're going to be another victim of my wrath. Wrong place, wrong time. I would say I was sorry, but...I'm actually looking forward to absolutely obliterating you. Until then...Good day.

And he'll beat you, beat you, beat you,
And he'll beat you into pap,
And he'll eat you, eat you, eat you,

Every morsel snap, snap, snap.
 

Lucas Johnson

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#5
Ryan Ransik was last week's victim and now this week I have the rising upstart Liam Archer. It is no secret that I am not the odds on favorite this coming week it is a shock to me because all my life has been perfection. Everything in this world has but nothing a wild fantasy come to life, born with the perfect genetics. Check. Was gifted with being a damn good athlete to follow my dream in pro wrestling and learning mixed martial arts in the process. And not only that but I have a perfect record in my matches by never losing inside the squared circle! Just look at what I did in New York City at the promotion I was wrestling at before I came here, I was the World Heavyweight Champion for six months and was forced to vacate the title when I left the company to sign with REVOLT! And last week I took care of a fellow young start named Ryan Ransik. What Liam Archer doesn't realize is that we are just living in my world he's going to walk in it this Saturday night. And it seems to me that they're are several things wrong with Liam Archer and the first thing that's wrong is that he doesn't have his eyes on the prize. Liam your eyes should be on me not your rival at the moment Lucian Baal. You have built eyes in the back of your head for no reason, playing mind games is going to get you no where in this business. Liam claims that I am a coward? How am I coward? I beat my opponent clean in the middle of the ring last week with The Perfect Diamond now you are just bitching over there like a little school girl. All I hear out of your mouth is a wrestler with a lot on his plate at the moment and is currently jealous that my life is ten times better then yours. I am sorry your parents raised you that the first thing that came to mind was beating down a person so badly that you get enjoyment seeing a person bleed. I am sorry I was just the right person, born into the right family, at the right time. I am sorry that I had an amazing childhood in New York City and made it into pro wrestling in one years time. Prepare to go to hell? In my opinion Liam you should be prepared to be taken to school because I am going to embarrass you this Saturday night and make you rethink signing on the dotted line for this match against me. The same thing will happen as last week, I will continue my winning streak, I will prove to the world that Diamonds are made out of perfection, everything soon will be mine and most importantly I am much better then a jealous man named Liam. Get those big boy pants on Liam because this Saturday I am going to be the teacher, and you will be the student because I am going to take you to school and teach you what a real champion in the making looks like....
 

"SCOTT"

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#7
Latest promo

The promo begins in a bar, in Dublin, Ireland. The camera pans over to Liam having a drink with some people, before he noticed the camera and turned around.

"Oh! Sorry you had to find me here. I didn't know you were coming over today. Anyways, welcome to Temple Bar. The place I go to lick my wounds, have a few beers and play some pool. So, your all probably wondering: "What am I doing here, addressing you all today?" Good question, and I'll answer it right now. So, Dustin Diamond just released his reply to my promo on him. And so, I am here to reply to the reply he sent me. Weird stuff, I know. But, think of this as a second promo by yours truly. Good? Good. So, let's not hesitate"

Liam then haves another sip of his drink, before pulling up his phone and beginning to watch Dustin Diamond's promo. He finishes looking at it and turns to the camera, as people around him begin to chat.

"So, Dustin said that I should be more focused on him than Lucian Baal. First off, Dustin, I am not interested in you right now. Lucian was the one who dropkicked me last week, not you. So, to say I should be more focused on you isn't really a good idea . Because, that's a good thing, that I ain't focused on you. Because, if I was, I would end up beating the living SHIT OUT OF YOU, in our match. But, since I'm looking to send a message to Lucian, all I am gonna do to you is hurt you. Nothing too major. Just.....hurt you. I ain't worried about you, Dustin. You are merely a obstacle, on my road to facing Baal. He wants me to prove I'm worthy to Face him. So, he wants me to beat you, and anyone else I can, to show him I'd be ready for him. I already have him figured out. It's pretty obvious that's what he wants. He says I'm growing eyes in the back of my head, for NO reason. He's wrong. I'm always ready for a attack from behind. If anyone tries that shit on me, I'll already be prepared for them. I've always had it. It's just never been as essential as it have been right now. People want to beat me up. People want to make me suffer. And to do that, they need to get the jump on me. So, I'm always prepped for any assaults from behind. So Dustin, my mind games aren't that special. They're just to strike fear into you all. They're just to send a message. "

"Another thing he ended up saying is how I bitched, like a little school girl. THAT...was when YOU FUCKED UP. Not insulting my focus on Lucian, not complaining about my "useless" eyes in the back of my head. It was that ONE REMARK...that made me want to reply. Because....you crossed the line. And, you DAMN SURE ARE GOING TO REGRET SAYING THAT. One thing...You DON'T want to do...is piss a psycho off. You say I'm jealous, that your life is better than mine. Well, why would I be jealous of the life of a overzealous bastard, like you? Answer: I don't. Because I WORKED to get here. I worked to come to a place like REVOLT. I've busted my ass so much, in every league I've been in. Meanwhile, you've probably just walked in, with your inflated head and ego held high, and just inserted yourself into this. You have no talent. All I see in you....is a guy who thinks he's all great, JUST BECAUSE HE'S RICH. And HOW DARE YOU INSULT MY FAMILY!? My father died, trying to protect me. HE FUCKING DIED! They raised me well. They taught me how to endure pain. They taught me the things I know today, meanwhile your glad you just got born into the right family? Pathetic.....just pathetic. You know what? Remember what I said, about just hurting you? Well...I take it back....I damn take it back "

Liam clearly looks pissed, after unloading some of his anger, but isn't done at all. He looks calmly into the camera again.

"Come....this Saturday....You are a dead man. Dustin Diamond, YOU ARE A DEAD MAN. You think you can insult my heritage, my family, and just go on, unscathed? Your damn wrong. You know what? I'm gonna do what you asked me to do. I'm gonna focus all of my anger, all of my frustration, on YOU. You've wanted me to focus on you. Well , your about to get your head caved in so much, your parents will have regretted making you the snobbish man you ARE. Maybe...when I beat your ass....you'll realise....that you never....And I MEAN NEVER....insult another man's FAMILY. My father aabused me, yes, but I understand now. I understand, what he was trying to do. He beat me, to help me. He knew I was a good fighter. He knew what I was capable of. But....I rejected him...And he ended up getting killed,because of me. If only....I saw it back then. If I did, he would still be alive. My barbed wire bat is the only thing I have left, that reminds me of him. I added the barbed wire to the bat, to show our connection. I use it whenever I can. But...I swear....to my dad....to my mother...to all my fans. I WILL USE IT...And I will use it on Dustin. Because, he's the person who deserves it the most. You know, you taught me something very important, in your promo. You really did. And that thing is: sometimes, you need to focus on the people around you, for they can be the most deadly. They...can be the ones who harm you the worst. Not with pain, with words. "

"Thank you, Dustin Diamond, for showing me this. I really appreciate it. You have shown me the other side of things. Lucian can wait, for now. Right now, you are my main focus. Nothing...will stop me from making you pay, for what you said. It's not true, isn't it. "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me". Well, I am hurt, by your words. But, I'm gonna move on from it. I've dealt with worse. I've had my arm broken by a chair, I've lost two matches in one night. Hell, I even lost in 7 seconds, once. But, all of that is behind me. I've experienced those things already. Now, it's time to worry about the new things. The new situations, in front of me. Because, this a new dawning. A new chapter, in my life. There will be highs. There will be lows. But, it will be fun. You wanna show me what a real champion looks like? Well, I'm pretty sure I'll show everyone the same thing. Except, the champion in the making...won't be you. It'll be me. You've really fucked up, Dustin. And now, you will pay the price, for crossing the line. I know, I'm repeating myself. But, I don't care. I repeat myself to get my point across. That's how I roll."

The noise in the bar gets quiet, as everyone looks up at Liam, who has now stood up on a bar table, as he looks around at everyone

"This is it, Dustin. Your judgment day....has arrived. You've insulted me, you've insulted my family....And now, you will be taken to court. Forget Ryan Ransik. I beat that motherfucker, one on one,no matter how much he wants to say how he's beaten me in tag matches. I am the judge. I am the Hitman. I AM...THE OUTLAW....LIAM...ARCHER. And Dustin, I am COMING....for YOU. "

Liam then grabs a pint of Bulmers. He then raised it up, and shouted out loud:

"Bottoms up, people!!!! "

The crowd of people in the bar cheer, and then begin to cheers each other, as Liam climbs down, sits back in his chair and just smirks at the camera, as it slowly fades out
It's solid but a little rough around the edges. I have a few critiques but I think all you really need is time. You have a solid base and as you continue to watch others around here, you'll naturally absorb things from them and you'll be able to apply the things you learn to your own work.

"So, Dustin Diamond just released his reply to my promo on him"... I'd avoid saying things like that, It comes off amateurish. There are more "professional" ways of saying basically the same thing but honestly, I'd just avoid doing it all together. The reader will be able to tell whether your promo is a response or not simply based off the content, telling them is redundant.

Also, it seemed like you overused Dustin's name. I don't know... I could be wrong, I read through it twice and it seemed a lot more glaring on the first read than the second. I'd still recommend watching out for it in future promos.
 
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Liam Archer

The Outlaw
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#8
Damn. ....okay.....
 

Ronn Bank$

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#9
Latest promo

The promo begins in a bar, in Dublin, Ireland. The camera pans over to Liam having a drink with some people, before he noticed the camera and turned around.

"Oh! Sorry you had to find me here. I didn't know you were coming over today. Anyways, welcome to Temple Bar. The place I go to lick my wounds, have a few beers and play some pool. So, your all probably wondering: "What am I doing here, addressing you all today?" Good question, and I'll answer it right now. So, Dustin Diamond just released his reply to my promo on him. And so, I am here to reply to the reply he sent me. Weird stuff, I know. But, think of this as a second promo by yours truly. Good? Good. So, let's not hesitate"

Liam then haves another sip of his drink, before pulling up his phone and beginning to watch Dustin Diamond's promo. He finishes looking at it and turns to the camera, as people around him begin to chat.

"So, Dustin said that I should be more focused on him than Lucian Baal. First off, Dustin, I am not interested in you right now. Lucian was the one who dropkicked me last week, not you. So, to say I should be more focused on you isn't really a good idea . Because, that's a good thing, that I ain't focused on you. Because, if I was, I would end up beating the living SHIT OUT OF YOU, in our match. But, since I'm looking to send a message to Lucian, all I am gonna do to you is hurt you. Nothing too major. Just.....hurt you. I ain't worried about you, Dustin. You are merely a obstacle, on my road to facing Baal. He wants me to prove I'm worthy to Face him. So, he wants me to beat you, and anyone else I can, to show him I'd be ready for him. I already have him figured out. It's pretty obvious that's what he wants. He says I'm growing eyes in the back of my head, for NO reason. He's wrong. I'm always ready for a attack from behind. If anyone tries that shit on me, I'll already be prepared for them. I've always had it. It's just never been as essential as it have been right now. People want to beat me up. People want to make me suffer. And to do that, they need to get the jump on me. So, I'm always prepped for any assaults from behind. So Dustin, my mind games aren't that special. They're just to strike fear into you all. They're just to send a message. "

"Another thing he ended up saying is how I bitched, like a little school girl. THAT...was when YOU FUCKED UP. Not insulting my focus on Lucian, not complaining about my "useless" eyes in the back of my head. It was that ONE REMARK...that made me want to reply. Because....you crossed the line. And, you DAMN SURE ARE GOING TO REGRET SAYING THAT. One thing...You DON'T want to do...is piss a psycho off. You say I'm jealous, that your life is better than mine. Well, why would I be jealous of the life of a overzealous bastard, like you? Answer: I don't. Because I WORKED to get here. I worked to come to a place like REVOLT. I've busted my ass so much, in every league I've been in. Meanwhile, you've probably just walked in, with your inflated head and ego held high, and just inserted yourself into this. You have no talent. All I see in you....is a guy who thinks he's all great, JUST BECAUSE HE'S RICH. And HOW DARE YOU INSULT MY FAMILY!? My father died, trying to protect me. HE FUCKING DIED! They raised me well. They taught me how to endure pain. They taught me the things I know today, meanwhile your glad you just got born into the right family? Pathetic.....just pathetic. You know what? Remember what I said, about just hurting you? Well...I take it back....I damn take it back "

Liam clearly looks pissed, after unloading some of his anger, but isn't done at all. He looks calmly into the camera again.

"Come....this Saturday....You are a dead man. Dustin Diamond, YOU ARE A DEAD MAN. You think you can insult my heritage, my family, and just go on, unscathed? Your damn wrong. You know what? I'm gonna do what you asked me to do. I'm gonna focus all of my anger, all of my frustration, on YOU. You've wanted me to focus on you. Well , your about to get your head caved in so much, your parents will have regretted making you the snobbish man you ARE. Maybe...when I beat your ass....you'll realise....that you never....And I MEAN NEVER....insult another man's FAMILY. My father aabused me, yes, but I understand now. I understand, what he was trying to do. He beat me, to help me. He knew I was a good fighter. He knew what I was capable of. But....I rejected him...And he ended up getting killed,because of me. If only....I saw it back then. If I did, he would still be alive. My barbed wire bat is the only thing I have left, that reminds me of him. I added the barbed wire to the bat, to show our connection. I use it whenever I can. But...I swear....to my dad....to my mother...to all my fans. I WILL USE IT...And I will use it on Dustin. Because, he's the person who deserves it the most. You know, you taught me something very important, in your promo. You really did. And that thing is: sometimes, you need to focus on the people around you, for they can be the most deadly. They...can be the ones who harm you the worst. Not with pain, with words. "

"Thank you, Dustin Diamond, for showing me this. I really appreciate it. You have shown me the other side of things. Lucian can wait, for now. Right now, you are my main focus. Nothing...will stop me from making you pay, for what you said. It's not true, isn't it. "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me". Well, I am hurt, by your words. But, I'm gonna move on from it. I've dealt with worse. I've had my arm broken by a chair, I've lost two matches in one night. Hell, I even lost in 7 seconds, once. But, all of that is behind me. I've experienced those things already. Now, it's time to worry about the new things. The new situations, in front of me. Because, this a new dawning. A new chapter, in my life. There will be highs. There will be lows. But, it will be fun. You wanna show me what a real champion looks like? Well, I'm pretty sure I'll show everyone the same thing. Except, the champion in the making...won't be you. It'll be me. You've really fucked up, Dustin. And now, you will pay the price, for crossing the line. I know, I'm repeating myself. But, I don't care. I repeat myself to get my point across. That's how I roll."

The noise in the bar gets quiet, as everyone looks up at Liam, who has now stood up on a bar table, as he looks around at everyone

"This is it, Dustin. Your judgment day....has arrived. You've insulted me, you've insulted my family....And now, you will be taken to court. Forget Ryan Ransik. I beat that motherfucker, one on one,no matter how much he wants to say how he's beaten me in tag matches. I am the judge. I am the Hitman. I AM...THE OUTLAW....LIAM...ARCHER. And Dustin, I am COMING....for YOU. "

Liam then grabs a pint of Bulmers. He then raised it up, and shouted out loud:

"Bottoms up, people!!!! "

The crowd of people in the bar cheer, and then begin to cheers each other, as Liam climbs down, sits back in his chair and just smirks at the camera, as it slowly fades out
Let me preface this by saying DO NOT TAKE THIS PERSONAL, I AM NOT TRYING TO HURT YOUR FEELINGS. I'M TAKING MY TIME OUT TO REVIEW YOUR PROMO SO I CAN HELP BECAUSE I CARE ABOUT YOU BEING AS GOOD AS YOU CAN BE.

iight so boom.

First we gonna start by switching them unappealing font colors and not slanting your promos.

iight bam.

So you started it off with a scene of yourself at a bar, randomly addressing a group of people on some "We're gathered here today to reply to Dustin's reply to my promo".. it comes off as awkward and you shouldn't start off a promo to say "Okay I'm doing this promo to reply to what my opponent replied to me saying", as Scott said, never refer to your opponents promo as a promo inside of your actual promo, if you HAVE to refer to anything regarding what his response actually was then be very subtle about it. Like "so when you addressed me" as opposed to "when you promoed on me".

but ye.

Then I feel like the talking points you used to respond to him were kinda reaches, granted he didn't give you too much material to go off of.. but you made it seem like he killed a relative or something with the whole "YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE HELL TO PAY FOR SAYING THAT I BITCHED LIKE A SCHOOL GIRL!!! HOW DARE YOU!!" thing, like calm down sis. Unless you're in a middle of a heated feud with bad blood as opposed to a random match like this, that's not necessary. The best way to rebuttal things people say isn't to respond with anger and rage because it shows that they got under your skin, the best way is to turn their talking point around against them by showing them how what they said was wrong or how you're going to prove them wrong.

I saw what you were tryna do with the whole take the point he made about your family thing and turn it into something to talk about but I kinda felt like it was grasping for straws in a sense, I know he made one brief joke about how your parents raised you but I dont think it warranted you to go off on such a tangent mentioning your fathers death and how you were responsible for it etc etc, it just came off as out of place and a reach in my humble opinion.

I just feel like you came off as overly aggressive and angry about a promo that really didn't even warrant such emotions, you gotta know when to channel that and when not to channel that, and this instance wasn't a time to do that. Your ending also could have been better as it came off as kinda generic. Also if you're going to do a scene it could be better, theres a lot of potential that can be done in a bar.

That's about it, once again don't take it personal and to the heart, its just a genuine critique on an IN CHARACTER promo because I wanna see you get better and be as good as I know you can be.
 
Likes: Mr. DEDEDE

Sienna Jade

Unfuckwithable
EAW ROSTER
Womens World Champion
EAW Hall of Famer
Messages
422
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606
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93
Location
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#12
Latest promo

The promo begins in a bar, in Dublin, Ireland. The camera pans over to Liam having a drink with some people, before he noticed the camera and turned around.

"Oh! Sorry you had to find me here. I didn't know you were coming over today. Anyways, welcome to Temple Bar. The place I go to lick my wounds, have a few beers and play some pool. So, your all probably wondering: "What am I doing here, addressing you all today?" Good question, and I'll answer it right now. So, Dustin Diamond just released his reply to my promo on him. And so, I am here to reply to the reply he sent me. Weird stuff, I know. But, think of this as a second promo by yours truly. Good? Good. So, let's not hesitate"

Liam then haves another sip of his drink, before pulling up his phone and beginning to watch Dustin Diamond's promo. He finishes looking at it and turns to the camera, as people around him begin to chat.

"So, Dustin said that I should be more focused on him than Lucian Baal. First off, Dustin, I am not interested in you right now. Lucian was the one who dropkicked me last week, not you. So, to say I should be more focused on you isn't really a good idea . Because, that's a good thing, that I ain't focused on you. Because, if I was, I would end up beating the living SHIT OUT OF YOU, in our match. But, since I'm looking to send a message to Lucian, all I am gonna do to you is hurt you. Nothing too major. Just.....hurt you. I ain't worried about you, Dustin. You are merely a obstacle, on my road to facing Baal. He wants me to prove I'm worthy to Face him. So, he wants me to beat you, and anyone else I can, to show him I'd be ready for him. I already have him figured out. It's pretty obvious that's what he wants. He says I'm growing eyes in the back of my head, for NO reason. He's wrong. I'm always ready for a attack from behind. If anyone tries that shit on me, I'll already be prepared for them. I've always had it. It's just never been as essential as it have been right now. People want to beat me up. People want to make me suffer. And to do that, they need to get the jump on me. So, I'm always prepped for any assaults from behind. So Dustin, my mind games aren't that special. They're just to strike fear into you all. They're just to send a message. "

"Another thing he ended up saying is how I bitched, like a little school girl. THAT...was when YOU FUCKED UP. Not insulting my focus on Lucian, not complaining about my "useless" eyes in the back of my head. It was that ONE REMARK...that made me want to reply. Because....you crossed the line. And, you DAMN SURE ARE GOING TO REGRET SAYING THAT. One thing...You DON'T want to do...is piss a psycho off. You say I'm jealous, that your life is better than mine. Well, why would I be jealous of the life of a overzealous bastard, like you? Answer: I don't. Because I WORKED to get here. I worked to come to a place like REVOLT. I've busted my ass so much, in every league I've been in. Meanwhile, you've probably just walked in, with your inflated head and ego held high, and just inserted yourself into this. You have no talent. All I see in you....is a guy who thinks he's all great, JUST BECAUSE HE'S RICH. And HOW DARE YOU INSULT MY FAMILY!? My father died, trying to protect me. HE FUCKING DIED! They raised me well. They taught me how to endure pain. They taught me the things I know today, meanwhile your glad you just got born into the right family? Pathetic.....just pathetic. You know what? Remember what I said, about just hurting you? Well...I take it back....I damn take it back "

Liam clearly looks pissed, after unloading some of his anger, but isn't done at all. He looks calmly into the camera again.

"Come....this Saturday....You are a dead man. Dustin Diamond, YOU ARE A DEAD MAN. You think you can insult my heritage, my family, and just go on, unscathed? Your damn wrong. You know what? I'm gonna do what you asked me to do. I'm gonna focus all of my anger, all of my frustration, on YOU. You've wanted me to focus on you. Well , your about to get your head caved in so much, your parents will have regretted making you the snobbish man you ARE. Maybe...when I beat your ass....you'll realise....that you never....And I MEAN NEVER....insult another man's FAMILY. My father aabused me, yes, but I understand now. I understand, what he was trying to do. He beat me, to help me. He knew I was a good fighter. He knew what I was capable of. But....I rejected him...And he ended up getting killed,because of me. If only....I saw it back then. If I did, he would still be alive. My barbed wire bat is the only thing I have left, that reminds me of him. I added the barbed wire to the bat, to show our connection. I use it whenever I can. But...I swear....to my dad....to my mother...to all my fans. I WILL USE IT...And I will use it on Dustin. Because, he's the person who deserves it the most. You know, you taught me something very important, in your promo. You really did. And that thing is: sometimes, you need to focus on the people around you, for they can be the most deadly. They...can be the ones who harm you the worst. Not with pain, with words. "

"Thank you, Dustin Diamond, for showing me this. I really appreciate it. You have shown me the other side of things. Lucian can wait, for now. Right now, you are my main focus. Nothing...will stop me from making you pay, for what you said. It's not true, isn't it. "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me". Well, I am hurt, by your words. But, I'm gonna move on from it. I've dealt with worse. I've had my arm broken by a chair, I've lost two matches in one night. Hell, I even lost in 7 seconds, once. But, all of that is behind me. I've experienced those things already. Now, it's time to worry about the new things. The new situations, in front of me. Because, this a new dawning. A new chapter, in my life. There will be highs. There will be lows. But, it will be fun. You wanna show me what a real champion looks like? Well, I'm pretty sure I'll show everyone the same thing. Except, the champion in the making...won't be you. It'll be me. You've really fucked up, Dustin. And now, you will pay the price, for crossing the line. I know, I'm repeating myself. But, I don't care. I repeat myself to get my point across. That's how I roll."

The noise in the bar gets quiet, as everyone looks up at Liam, who has now stood up on a bar table, as he looks around at everyone

"This is it, Dustin. Your judgment day....has arrived. You've insulted me, you've insulted my family....And now, you will be taken to court. Forget Ryan Ransik. I beat that motherfucker, one on one,no matter how much he wants to say how he's beaten me in tag matches. I am the judge. I am the Hitman. I AM...THE OUTLAW....LIAM...ARCHER. And Dustin, I am COMING....for YOU. "

Liam then grabs a pint of Bulmers. He then raised it up, and shouted out loud:

"Bottoms up, people!!!! "

The crowd of people in the bar cheer, and then begin to cheers each other, as Liam climbs down, sits back in his chair and just smirks at the camera, as it slowly fades out
Hi, Liam!

Let me begin by giving you a huge thank you for allowing your work to be critiqued. While it can be a daunting task, this exercise is truly meant to help expand and improve your current set of writing skills. Please remember to not take anything to heart and considering utilizing some of the advice given in your next promo/RP.

I read your promo in its entirety and I truly did enjoy it. I really liked the concept of being drunk in a bar and airing out your grievances towards your opponent. One thing that I did note, however, was that sometimes the way you set up your scenes can appear a bit awkward. One concept you can think about using in your next scene promo is having the story take place in a third person point of view. You don’t necessarily need to take the cookie-cutter “I have to talk to the camera” approach. You can be having a conversation with the bartender or even an unaware civilian to make things more different – more unique and give the reader a much broader perspective as to what your character is going through.

Another thing that I would like to mention is that you had a lot of great talking points in your promo, unfortunately, for the majority of if you were jumping from point to point to point which at times can feel rushed, all over the place and overall confusing for the reader. I think you should focus on having some sort of theme that you can go off for your next promo. And I don’t mean theme as in where your location or setting is at, I mean it more as like a thesis for an essay. The thesis talks about what will happen in the following paragraphs of your essay and the following paragraphs are always somehow connected to your thesis. The same concept can be utilized for a promo. For example, there was a part of your work where you talked about your opponent mentioning your dead father and how much that hurt you. You could’ve latched on to that small comment and created a promo centered around that fact. How the pain and agony push you to strive above and beyond what you were meant to be. And how your father was a hardworking, logical, tough man who would’ve NEVER tolerated having your bitch ass of an opponent talk to you in that manner. (No offense to his opponent, of course.) Also, there were many areas in your promo where you could’ve easily expanded into something more and elaborated your points in a much greater level. An example of this is, “I already have him figured out. It's pretty obvious that's what he wants.” What have you figured out from Lucian? What exactly does he want? Don’t be afraid to explain and go in depth over the points you make. It’ll force you to truly dig deep into your brain and pull great content.

I will say that I appreciate the intensity of your work. The way I envision the wrestler Liam Archer as a man who is very passionate about his work and will kill a small pack of squirrels in order to put himself at the top of the pedestal. He would be caught dead before having another man look down on him. If that’s what you were trying to get across when having other people read your work then great! If not, then maybe you should consider taking a different approach when writing back to your opponents. Liam, you already have a great set of skills but I think that you just have to work on rearranging your promos and organizing them in a way where it all flows nicely together. The two other individuals who have given you feedback have made great points and those should also be included here but I don’t want to seem repetitive. If you’d like to further talk about this, by all means, you can privately message me on discord and I will be more than happy to help you out.
 

Liam Archer

The Outlaw
EAW ROSTER
Messages
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#13
Greatly appreciated. I pmed ye on discord btw
 

"SCOTT"

Active member
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YANDHI
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#14
I honestly kind of liked it, it felt like a real TV style promo. Of course it could use a few improvements though.

You're pretty clunky, in terms of both dialogue and overall presentation. Space your promos out. It looks like you were trying to, and maybe the format didn't translate over or something... who knows, but definitely start to do that... it's much easier on the eyes.

Secondly, the clunky dialogue... that's just something that you're gonna have to learn and fix over time by reading others... if you aren't already, definitely start reading other promos, especially from those in prominent positions in the fed, that's the quickest and easiest way to learn.

Also, I noticed you kept revisiting the same points over and over again, especially in regards to how trash you thought the city was. Avoid doing that, it's redundant and doesn't add anything other than body.

You're on the right track though, you certainly don't suck... keep at it.
 
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Damon Diesel

The Wrestling Machine
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Location
I don't know myself
#17

Astraea Jordan

The Empress
EAW ROSTER
Messages
565
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63
Location
Chicago
#19
This was the first ever promo I’ve done since this is my first fed. Hoping there’s something salvageable?

http://forum.revoltprocombat.com/index.php?threads/the-prince-has-arrived.647/
I'm not the best out there but I'll give my two cents anyway.

Personally, I think this was a little too quick/short. I know a debut promo is pretty straight forward but I think you should delve more into how your character got to REVOLT and why they're here. Why is Jackson so sought after? Why does he deserve to have all those extra zeros on his contract? What separates him from the rest? And also spend a little more time on your opponents if you can, say more than just making fun of nicknames or the like. As for the weight class thing, you'll most likely find yourself facing people outside of your weight division quite a bit since they aren't restricted except for title matches. This is to keep things fresh so you aren't facing the same people over and over.

But this is actually very good for your first promo ever. I can see you improving drastically within the next few months since you already seem to have a good grasp of things and really playing up your gimmick. Also love the picture base choice btw. Keep up the good work!
 

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