MATCH PROMO 🙅Junkie Free Zone!!!!!!🙅 - Showdown Promo

Clayton M. Golde


Ladies and gentlemen…we got him.

*loud clapping track*

Two weeks ago, Adam Lucas said all sorts of beta male material that was fed to him by the enemies of free thought, but the Gospel shown through like the light of heaven! Seriously folks, last week not even the matrix could cover up the supernova of talent and triumph that is Clayton Midas Golde. I almost beat a former world champion on my what, eighth match here in EAW?! Has there been a meteoric rise like that since the birth of Jesus? Absolutely-fucking-not. And this week, I get the pleasure of taking on somebody who is significantly less talented but scrapes by as a main-eventer for some reason! It is truly a season for miracles here in EAW. I didn’t have to win, I could have, but I didn’t need it. There can be no doubt that the Clout God is truly the ONE!…I am going to need to collect my residuals from the broadcast though. EAW does not own my likeness. After all, unlike the degenerates who came to EAW because they were bullied as children, Clayton Golde is a billion-dollar industry in boots!

For those of you who have zero bitches and therefore tuned into Showdown when I wasn’t on, you probably saw the yellow-toothed genetically-racist British people walked out with the victory last week. I hate to say it…just kidding I love to say: that wouldn’t have happened to me. See, Clayton Golde is a role model for all races, ages, genders, creeds, and so on. I would never allow myself to lose to Europeans after all they’ve done to the world. Truly detestable species. I imagine having a wrestler for a girlfriend is a lot like having Monopoly money instead of cash. But hey, we can’t all be winners. Sometimes, losers need to come together to overcome their genetic failures. Now, before somebody cries that I’m throwing out petty insults, I gotta let you know Kinkade: I don’t give a hoot about you.

Adam Lucas, Drake King, you know, the people who are on MY level are the ones who I should be knocking off the table. Facing you, who bafflingly continues to be in a prominent spot despite having the charisma of a black hole, is a step down for the Golden God. I have to provide ALL the clout and you just get to benefit? That doesn’t seem right to me. In fact, it’s almost as if I’m being robbed at gun point by this company! This is a guy who two weeks ago, lost a main event by disqualification which is the single most BETA way to win. Didn’t you lose to Cy Henderson and Scott Diamond at Reasonable Doubt too? What are you even doing at this point? Just taking up TV time and driving down the ratings? Do you work for a competitor or something? I’m just wondering because it seems to me, the torch of truth in the shadows of deceit, that you’re nothing but a drain on EAW. Maybe even a drain on everybody who’s ever had to sit through one of your matches.

People see me wrestle and their lives are improved. They buy my products and their health skyrockets. They take my dating advice and they ALLLLLL go home with Miami tens. For reference, your girl is a Miami two. Here’s the thing bud, we all know I’m going to beat you. It’s like King Kong fighting a three-legged Chihuahua. Even if you bring out the whole gang, Shaggy AND Scooby, you won’t be able to do a damn thing. See, I’m on that Ivan Drago shit kid. I got vitamin drips, every exercise machine in the world, and the best trainers to ever wrestle in the great country of Romania. What do you have? Experience? You can’t buy a Bugatti with experience. If you have three hundred matches of experience being a boring brokie. Then you’ve wasted three hundred matches. I’m just glad that I’m going to finally give you more than a two star match! You might even trend on Twitter! And will you say thank you? No! You’ll just say something dumb and cope. The reality is, and I’m the apex of reality, I’m a star on the rise in EAW. Every single person who was in the Extreme Enigma Royal got that Clayton Golde bump and is taking over Showdown. I’m the leader of the next generation!

Whereas you Daryl, shitty name by the way, are just a dude. There’s nothing special about you. You don’t work harder than anybody, you aren’t a business mastermind like myself, you aren’t even world championship material. I’m going to walk you like a dog, force feed you a Golde Pill, and dump your body out of the ring like a seven dollar hooker out of a hotel room window. It’s clear to me now that Road to Redemption is the event that will ignite the beacon of Clayton Golde. Millions of people will rise up out of their gaming chairs and mold themselves in my image when they watch me on the biggest stage of them all. Who do you inspire Daryl? Some yellow-toothed looney tune kids to continue eating unseasoned fish?! For someone who’s been around so long, you seem to have the cultural impact of Cars 2. It’s just sad to watch man. As far as I’m concerned, any relationship that isn’t transactional is a waste of time. I get nothing out of this. Beating Adam Lucas wouldn’t bought me enough goodwill to walk into a title match, beating you gets me nothing…but I’m gonna do it anyways.

Right now, I’m not booked for Grand Rampage. If you ask me, it’s because EAW is so terrified of ratings that they’d keep the lead off the card. It’s clear to me that I’d win that match without breaking a sweat, but it’s not to be. Which means that between now and Road to Redemption, I have unlimited time. I can relax, beat the fuck out of clout-chasing losers, until I get my way. Make no mistake: the Clout King always gets his way. Even if he has to grease the wheels a little bit. Daryl Kinkade on the other hand, what does he do here? Has he been a world champion? Was he a tag team champion? When was the last time his name was attached to a program and he won it? Back in the Stone Age where he met his cavewoman girlfriend? Very sad time to be Kinkade!

But, just as I proved last week, time is a cold-hearted bitch. The new era is coming up fast! The Golden Era is hanging a scythe over your head! And if Adam Lucas is barely scraping by, what hope do you have Daryl? What hope do you have against the future WORLD CHAMPION?! I’ll give you a hint, it’s between zip and nada. You don’t have a chance in hell beating me, but I know you’ll cope about it and try to recover dignity. But you don’t have any. You don’t even have a shred of decency! Daryl Kinkade is a weak beta male struggling to paint himself as an alpha. But brother, you are simply never going to be the head of the pack. Even right now, I’m chewing my way up the food chain at astronomical speed. The lead simp Damien Kutcher is launching off. Dumb Daniella Atlas is popping off. All thanks to me. I’m a leader, a star maker, a God forging his own world, and you are just some ugly-ass dude. That’s it brother. You aren’t anything special to this business or the world at large,

Clayton Golde is an institution. A symbol. A beacon of truth! A man speaking to men! Everything I say is based on the sheer reality of the world. Now, some people would try to dispute this truth. They would try to contain the gospel spewing from my lips with defamation and character assassination. Bro is calling me the lowest level in EAW when he’s been stinking up the joint with nothing for so long. It’s nothing but baseless lies that he’s putting out in order to serve the global world order. You simply are a terminal mediocre man Daryl. Forever and ever! When I’m world champion though, I’ll let you fly out to the Golden Grounds and take a few courses on how to be great. Hell, I might even just give you some psychiatric care to fix the terminal little dick syndrome! Aren’t I generous? Well, not TOO generous. When I smoke you Daryl, I’m going to copystrike every clip that goes up on YouTube just so you can’t make money off the fat L. Chasing gold brother? How long is that going to take? You sound like a crackhead saying he’ll quit tomorrow. Nice try junkie, I will not feed your addiction to public embarrassment. This burial is going to be closed casket.

What’s crazy to me is that Adam challenged me. He knew how to do this shit, but you cut the generic rookie game? My brother in Christ, I could have ChatGPT cut the same schtick. This is why you’ll never be the real main-event. You’ll never be Clayton Golde! You’ll never be a world champion! Very sad life to live. Strive as you might Daryl, you’ll always be a second-class worker with first-class luck. Whereas me? I’m genetically, morally, mentally, physical, spiritual, metaphysical, and decidedly better than you. When they wheel you out in the losers cart to the losers medic, when you go to your losers car and cry to your loser friends, when you eat your loser food and cut the next loser speech, remember:

Nothing shines quite like Golde.
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