CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT Because I want it, I'll get it


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*A camera man approaches Eddie at a restaraunt that at first glance appears fancy, but is actually a corner booth at Chuckie Cheese that Magnum clearly decorated himself*

Let me tell you something about Eddie Magnum you potato-eating fuck:

The only things that scare me are positive pregnancy tests and the IRS. And unless you're one of the girls I bagged behind a Walmart twelve years ago or a tax collector, you aren't shit to me. I've seen guys like you my whole life. You're the little nerd with his underwear wedgied up his ass saying "some day I'll be the best." "Some day I'll bully you!" You know what happens to those kids? They end up forty years old only seeing tits through a computer screen. And considering you live in a third world country like Ireland, you probably haven't seen 'em at all. Trust me kid, you're missing out.

The cool ass kids like me though? The ones who used to egg your house and hit on your sister? We're the ones who end up running the world. We're the ones with the balls to show up and do whatever the fuck we want. We don't even need a reason! I don't need some weird backstory about murder, church, blah blah blah, I just need to want it. And I WANT to stomp your head through the mat like a kid in a puddle. I WANT to make you look like a pussy in front of the entire world. And because I want it, I'm going to get it! That's just how it works Cash...

You know it, I know it, and the whole fucking world knows it.

But you don't care about we know because after seeing your little school shooter manifesto, I think it's safe to say you aren't living in the same reality as the rest of us. Nah, you live in that shitty western movie world of bible references and death threats. So let me put it in a way you might actually be able to understand. I'm like Sodom and Gomorrah. I fuck who I like, drink what I like, and snort what I like. Only difference between me and the biblical shit is that God didn't tear me down, he heard the music playing, said "Oh that's shits cool", picked up a beer, and joined the party. I'm the top guy now Cashy, the king on the fucking throne. All you are is the kid who wasn't invited that decided to call the cops.

So this isn't a suicide mission, it's a handout.

The powers that be know that I'm special, I mean they follow me around with a bucket to see if I shit gold. I'm the Real Deal, the Bay State Bastard, the future of EAW. You're some cosplaying asshole with daddy issues. Maybe if you "close your eyes and say a prayer" you'll be out cold before you even say "amen." Because I am just a man Cashy, but I'm the best of men. The best at wrestling, the best at talking, the best at everything you could possibly perceive. And tonight I'm going to prove that I'm the best at putting you down. Isn't that right Crystaaaaal, no Hannaaaa, maybe it begins with an L...

*The camera turns to a women who is clearly a hooker paid to be there*

Hey, uh, camera over here. I'm not buying you this pizza to look at her. Anyways, Cash, we both need this win. We both want this win. But I'm the one who's going to get it. I don't give a shit how edgy you are, how badass you try to be, I'm just built different. I'm built to win, collect titles, sleep with movie stars, all that crap. You're built to drink Guinness and sing those awful drinking songs. So why don't you head on back to Ireland, marry some ugly farm chick, and drink yourself to death already? After this thirty second match tonight, you're going to wish you had anyways.

Because I'm Eddie Magnum...
And I'm everybody's silver bullet.

*Camera starts to fade out and as it does you hear Magnum mutter one last thing:*

And those jokes cost me a lot of money ok? Hired a writer and everything...

Kassidy Heart

The Mauler 💜 Queen of the Ultraviolent
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Likes: EdMagnum

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