CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT i'm fine (w/ donovan duke)

[Harper Lee]

…

Huh...

…

Oh.

I guess I passed out.

My head hurts.

…

My phone's still on.

What was I doing again..?

Oh... Ugh.

​

---

Apr 27
​

wru
i haven't heard from u since gr
silas hasn't seen u either. u ok?​

Apr 29
​

hello??
this is annoying
what's going on?
r u gonna be there on Saturday?​

May 3rd
​

silas asked about u
it was weird though
i think we need to talk about this silas world stuff
are you there?​

May 4th
​

Can you just say something?
idk what's going on
did I do something wrong?
what about silas? why hasn't anyone seen you?​

---

Right. That's what I was doing.

Needless to say, I throw my phone back down on the couch– which clearly I fell asleep on after getting drunk doomscrolling my own aired texts, in annoyance. I don't even think I can explain how pathetic I feel. Let this be someone not signed to the biggest wrestling company in the world and they'd be the biggest bum on the planet.

What's even the point of this?

What are you doing, torturing yourself?

You're better than this.

Ms. Cash in the Vault. Future two-time World Champion. 6 consecutive Pain for Pride wins, I mean has anyone else won 6 Pain for Pride matches in a row? Methuselah hasn't. That pile of dust peaked at 4. Minerva hasn't. Kassidy Heart hasn't. No wonder she hates me so much. Bunch of losers they are.

Who needs this?

Who needs anyone?

No one's ever actually gonna be there for you, so stop waiting for them to. You're better off alone anyway. If Donovan really wanted to see you, he had months to–

BBBZZZT

…?

​

---

Today at 2:39 PM
​

I'm here

---

…

…That's right. I did agree to speak to him today. He wanted to explain, and I thought it'd be better to do it in person or something stupid like that. Whatever, that's fine. Just ignore him. Blow him off. Show him you deserve better, and…

…And, you're getting up. Whatever.

My head hurts.

At this point I'm starting to miss that car window Kassidy put me thr–

THUD

“Ow… The hell?”

What was that about–

Sigh.

“Come on…”

Headache straight from hell, liquor all over my floor, I look like total garbage and I've felt nothing but embarrassment for the three minutes I've been awake. Maybe that's a sign that I should lay off the drinks. Or just a sign that I could really use one right now. I don't know.

…

This sucks. You suck.

What are you doing this for?

Why can't you stop being like… This?

Your career is finally going your way. You're finally on the verge of being seen as one of the greats. You're getting literally everything you wanted, but here you are being the biggest loser on the planet instead of– I don't know, celebrating? Being proud of yourself? You're hungover and basically dragging yourself up off your alcohol-covered floor, all so you can go talk to the guy who basically abandoned you for months. Why?

‘Cause you “felt bad for him”, and nobody else will? Because you he makes you feel better about yourself? Because you still haven't accepted that literally everyone sucks and you're always gonna be better off alone? Because you for whatever reason think you do deserve this, and even though you've spent your whole life being all “act first, think later”, you still can never decide whether or not you did the right thing? You're too old for this. I get you love him– because why wouldn't you, but I thought love was supposed to feel better than this. That's how everyone else always made it seem.

Ugh. If you're actually gonna do this, the least you could do is clean up this mess, or I don't know, try not to look homeless. The last thing you need is to be pitied by the guy you're supposed to be mad at.

…

Orrr you can not do any of that and instead stumble straight to the door like an idiot. Sure.That's cool too.

Whatever. I'll take care of that later. Maybe he won't even notice. Beauty's in the eye of the beholder– something like that.

Creeeaaakk

“Hey, Harper. How are…wait. Are you alright?”

He totally noticed. Great.

Just do the smart thing for once. Tell him to leave. Just say it's not a good time or something. Anything.

“I'm fine. Just come in.”

Anything… But that.

Idiooooootttttttt.

This is so awkward.

This shouldn't be so weird. We're past this. It's not like this is the first time he's been here. We've been together for basically a year. If we can share a bed there shouldn't be a problem letting him in my home, so what is it?

Oh, right. It's that this is my first time seeing him in person in months after he went ghost on me.

And it's like this.

Great.

“Are you sure you are doing alright? I mean I can help you out with this mess. It would be no trouble at al– Hold on. Harper? Have you been drink–”

“No– no, stop. I'll get to it. I just– um, had a crazy night, celebrating my Dynasty win and stuff. I'm good now though. Promise.”

My head really hurts.

“So, you had something to say to me, right? No need to wait. Go ahead.”

“...Yes. Yes I do. Saying this is probably only scratching the surface, but…but…I’m sorry. I am so sorry. Sorry is probably not enough to make up for what I did. I disappeared. Without a trace. I left you with no explanation and left you wondering if I was ever going to return. You didn’t deserve that. Apologizing to you is the very least that you deserve.”

You know, I thought I’d be more prepared for this.

I don't really know what to do.

He goes missing for months, and before coming to see me, he goes rushing to Midsummer Massacre to go hang out with Silas World again.

An apology is the least I deserve.

But… I know me.

If I get started I'm not gonna stop, and before I know it I'm gonna say or do something I'll probably regret later.

“Look, I don't need an apology.”

Ugh, but come on. That's just a blatant lie.

He pretty much abandoned me, didn't he?

It's not like I did anything wrong.

I was the only one that genuinely cared, and just like always, I paid for that.

He runs off for months, saddles me with the rest of the idiots, then comes back like nothing happened once I'm on a totally different brand.

No point in lying now. I'm the one that wanted to do this in person.

“...Okay. I did need it, but really I want to know why. Your own family didn't even know where you were. Nobody did. Do you know how far I went trying to find you? I mean I went through some of the most important moments of my career– and like, do you even know how it felt heading to the back, leaving arenas every week, going to hotels, coming back home and you're still just nowhere to be found? I tried so hard to just put it aside, but it's like whenever I'm not in the ring I was just constantly getting reminders that somewhere out there, Donovan Duke could be… I don't know! I have literally no idea, and that's the problem! I don't know anything! You disappear and Silas just replaces you, some masked guy shows up claiming to be your protege, and everyone just pretends nothing's wrong! My boyfriend was off the grid, I lost my ticket to a Pain for Pride main event, I was stuck in a– a sinking ship, and I… Do you know what I would've had if I lost that ladder match?”

“Nothing! Literally nothing but some briefcase, and you're telling me that wherever you were, whatever you were doing, you were incapable of AT LEAST letting me know you're alive? Common sense, dude. I mean a text, a call, something! Did you at any point stop to think about what all this might be doing to any of the people in your life while you were out, doing whatever you were doing? I mean, did you even care!?”

That…

That didn't feel good.

I hate this silence.

I really need to get better at this.

Why's he taking so long to say something?

I screwed up, didn't I?

Now there's gonna be an argument and I'm gonna mess things up with someone else and I'm gonna be right back on my couch asking myself why I'm always miserable.

“I know that you are mad. I know that you are angry with me and I deserve that. Believe me, if this could have been different, I would have had it be different. This all should have been different. I hate saying this, but what happened to me was something I didn’t have a choice in the matter with. What happened was completely out of my control. Please believe me.”

Okay... or not.

Just stop. Just listen to what he has to say. I'm sure he can explain.

“How am I supposed to believe you? I mean not one call, one text. You made me think I might've done something wrong– but then I find out nobody knows where you are and I just had to push it all aside like it doesn't even matter. How was I supposed to do that?”

I should stop.

Why can't I stop running my mouth?

I can see the look on his face. He feels guilty.

There's no argument to be had.

He messed up, I deserve better, it's that simple.

But why?

What kept him away for all those months?

…

No, it doesn't matter.

What's done is done. Nothing he says is gonna change how you feel.

Just stop this. Don't let him explain–

“I know. I should have told you all of this before it even got to this point. Maybe part of it was denial. Maybe part of it was shame that it happened. I don’t know and I don’t want to think about it, so I am just going to come out and say it. Harper…. Harper…. Harper, the reason I fell off the map months ago was because…because I was in a mental health rehabilitation facility.”

Um… What?

…

He… What?

…

What do I do now?

What am I even supposed to say to that?

“...What the hell?”

“I know it sounds crazy and completely far-fetched, but it’s the absolute truth. Even I can't even make something crazy like this up. I guess it was supposed to help me with my “psychotic tendencies” or whatever they said. I still stand by the fact that I am not crazy. But yeah. I have been in that facility ever since Grand Rampage–”

“Okay– stop. I have a headache, I can't take this right now. So you were what, forced into some serious rehab or something?”

“Pretty much. I wanted to tell you where I was. I really did, but the program I was in really restricted my contact with anybody outside of the facility as in none at all. I guess they thought my mental state was “so severe” that the restrictions were necessary because I had “severe psychiatric instability” and contact with anybody could lead to some sort of “major trigger effect” and cause regression in progress or something. Obviously, I tried to fight them on it. Me of all people? Mentally unstable? It's ludicrous, but my career was on the line and I couldn't risk that.”

Is this some sort of joke?

No.

That's… actually a real explanation.

Of course it is. Why wouldn't it be?

I should've known something like this might've happened. If anyone should've, it's me.

I knew something was wrong.

I knew he needed help before this whole disappearing mess even started.

I tried to tell them, but I could see it. None of them cared. Silas didn't. The rest of that stupid group didn't. Not so sure even his family did.

Yet here I am, unable to wrap my head around it now that it affected me.

“I… But… How's that fair!? It doesn't make sense! Look at the EAW roster, basically everyone there needs help but you don't see any of them getting shipped off somewhere! Why would you be an exception!?”

“I agree, and that's why I tried to fight it to begin with. Babe, I will admit that I was not in a really good frame of mind after I was eliminated from the Grand Rampage. I was beyond furious. Fourth place. Being triple teamed to the point that all my dreams of main eventing Pain for Pride again went up in smoke. I couldn’t take it. When I got backstage, there was some guy…I honestly can’t remember who it was. I was so enraged…he just came up and said something to me and I just lost it.”

“What did you do?”

“I guess I beat the hell out of him pretty badly. I honestly couldn’t remember what I did to them at that time because I blacked out due to anger. It must have been pretty severe because Kennedy Street and a member of the Board of Directors pulled me into an impromptu meeting immediately the next morning and showed me the footage. Then about ten seconds later, that’s when they gave me an ultimatum.”

“First, Kennedy said she knew for a while that I was, and I quote, “batshit nuts” and she didn’t want psychopaths running wild on Showdown…like I was really that much of a threat on that show compared to others. Either way, they told me I either do this mandatory mental rehabilitation program and then come back to EAW when it was completed and a doctor signed off saying I successfully completed the program. I didn’t think I needed it, so I asked what if I refused and they said I would be fired right there and probably would never be allowed to compete in EAW again. It was either do it and keep my job or be fired and lose everything. Now you can tell why I really didn’t have a choice in the matter. I agreed and I was immediately sent there. I had no chance to contact you and while I was there, all I wanted to do was talk to you, Harper, and it sucked for me that I couldn’t. I hated it.”

“That's just…”

“I don't know. I don't know what to say. You were gone for months. You could’ve– you should've… Why would you even do something that stupid? You risked your career, you ghosted your whole family– and for what!? Because you lost the Grand Rampage!? This has to be some kind of joke! I'm not here just to be some mindless Silas World sidekick or spend every waking moment of my day waiting for you, hoping that you're actually in any mood to talk! I have my own life, I have my own career, and right now I have one of the craziest people in the entire company– the Chairman’s wife, coming after me every week throwing me through windows and stomping my head in. This is the last thing I need right now.”

“Shit, Harper, it’s not like I woke up that day and decided to completely shut down and beat someone half to death. It just happened! Did I realize the repercussions the decisions I made and going to a mental health clinic suddenly would have on you? No I didn’t, but that didn’t mean I didn’t think about you every day. Plus, it wasn’t just the Grand Rampage. It was everything since Pain for Pride last year. Making our relationship official was the best thing that happened to me last season. But my overall season in the ring was a total disaster. I just couldn’t take it anymore. Besides you, I don’t know if anybody really cared.”

“I…”

Oh my God. I really am the worst.

How can I still be mad after hearing all of that?

Why am I still mad?

Donovan wanted to talk as soon as he was out. I'm the one that kept putting it off.

That stupid clownface “Empress” was right. I'm sooo gonna ruin my own life.

I can't look at him, but he isn't saying anything and that's kinda worrying me. I bet he's judging me right now. Probably wondering what he saw in me in the first place, not that I could ever figure that out.

I need to calm down.

What do I say without making things worse?

“...um. Listen, what about that ‘El Duque’ guy? You disappear, he shows up, what's that about?”

…

He sighed.

I feel sick.

“Well, I guess I had to explain that eventually.”

I really don't deserve the patience this man has for me.

“I had to go back and watch a few months of the shows that I missed to see what was said. Was El Duque a trainee of mine? When I was in town, yes. When I wasn’t, my brothers took care of the training. Did I refer El Duque to the company? I did. Because EAW is always looking for talent with potential so why not? Did I expect them to take me seriously and sign him? No. Because, apparently, being outspoken to the point of being called an asshole means they don’t take your suggestions seriously for some reason even though I was one of their best World Champions in a long time. I don’t get it. Do I see a lot of potential in El Duque? Of course. He was trained by me. He better have a lot of potential because if he goes out there and looks stupid then that makes me look stupid.”

“Duque made it sound like I was feeding him information before his matches. That was a little exaggerated, but I did tell him about the roster during our training sessions before he even got signed. He asked and I gave my opinions…which we both know is pretty much fact…about the Showdown roster and few select others that are a pain in my ass and tried heavily to take my spotlight. As for what he said on social media after Pain for Pride, he took that upon himself…not that I wouldn’t have said it myself because I would have.”

“Did I expect El Duque to join Silas World that quickly into his professional career? Hell no. I expected him to take the first months of his career just feeling things out and finding himself like I did. Guess he skipped a few chapters…maybe a little bit at my expense considering he got a match at Pain for Pride and I…didn’t.”

“But you came back and you just went right back to them like everything was fine. I mean, do you really think Silas Mason of all people has your best intentions in mind? Nikki Kimura, Brianna Hill, Pandora Paisley, not saying they didn't deserve it– but how many more people are gonna end up on the chopping block before you're the one getting tossed aside? He pretty much already replaced you, and I was there when it happened. He didn't even care.”

“Harper, it might sound strange, but ever since coming back to Showdown. I want to get back on top of the mountain. I want my spotlight back! I want to be World Champion again. I deserve to be World Champion again. And if that means joining back with Silas World and getting the group back on top, then so be it.”

“You don't need Silas World for that, and let Silas tell it– he doesn't need you. He just sees you guys as pawns. I tried to deny it even when I literally watched you get replaced right before my eyes, but I’m not gonna be part of some circus when you're the only member of that group I can even tolerate.”

“Babe, I understand that completely, but if it wasn’t for Silas Mason, I probably would have never ruled Showdown the way I did when I was World Champion. Nobody would have taken me seriously as a World Champion and they would still be calling me a dumbfuck redneck. Plus, he did help you out as well.”

“I– I know. I know he helped me. I don't know what my time on Showdown would've been without him, but that's the point. Sure, I won the National Elite Championship thanks to him, but I'm better than just being a lapdog and so are you. I won the Cash in the Vault briefcase at Pain for Pride, and you're telling me you were just stuck in some psych ward while El Duque was wrestling for you because Silas figured he was close enough? We should be on top of this company, not holding someone else's name up.”

"Harper…please. Babe, I completely agree with what you are saying. But I need you to trust me on this."

“I do trust you, but–”

“Harper, you know how I have wanted so badly to get things back to the way they were before Pain for Pride last year. Where I had it all. On top of the world as World Champion in the group we made the top group in EAW along with the most beautiful lady ever by my side. We would have been the Golden Couple. We didn’t get that and it pisses me off to this day.”

“...”

“Harper, I love you. I am not mad at you choosing to distance yourself from Silas World and focus on your career. It’s completely fine. You have been doing an amazing job on Dynasty so far and I am so proud of you. You are Miss Cash in the Vault. You are going to be World Champion again and when you do, I will raise your arm in victory. But while it might seem weird that I went back to Silas World after bringing El Duque in or how Silas let you get drafted to Dynasty and how everything else went down at the end of the season. You know me. I know exactly what I am doing at all times…well most of the time, but you know what I mean. I don’t want to take anything away from your career. But trust me that I know what I am doing to get my career back on track. You don't have to worry anymore.”

…

…

…

…

…

…

Maybe he's right.

“I just don't want anything to happen to you. It's been a really rough few months.”

“Rough is putting it mildly. But after having my world robbed from me and being away from you for four months, there is nothing that anybody can throw at me to make me feel any worse than that. Besides, now that I am back, I am ready to return the favor on the pain they tried to cause the both of us.”

Yeah, that's it.

Maybe I've just been worrying too much.

He's the one that was stuck in some mental health facility. I don't have any reason to complain. Everything's gonna work out.

I finally sit down next to him, leaning in closer as he puts his arm around me.

“I missed you. Seriously, don't do this to me again.”

I'm not good at “sappy” stuff, so I don't really know what else to say.

But that didn't stop Donovan from pulling me into a kiss, even after I lashed out at him earlier.

Maybe he gets me, or maybe he just trusts me more than he should. Times like this, I can't seem to figure out which.

But who cares?

I'm not ruining this for myself.

“Never again. I’m here. I’m here to stay. And soon enough, we are both going to be World Champions again and we are going to both be on top of EAW, together.”

I just smile, or at least, give as much of one as I can right now.

Who cares about anything else?

I have Donovan back. He'll do his thing, I'll do mine. I have the Cash in the Vault briefcase. Another World title’s right around the corner. I didn't screw things up. I didn't do anything wrong. This is what I wanted, isn't it? Everything I needed.

…

…

…

Yeah, this is it.

Everything's fine.

I'm fine.

…

I am happy.​