Now, let's all settle down.
I understand that Harper Lee is an easy target. I mean, look at her -- All of her shortcomings are written across her forehead. She’s a hazardous individual who is notoriously known for betraying any person she has a partnership with. Not only that but she’s known for fumbling once-in-a-lifetime opportunities and never having what it takes to get to that “next” level in her career. AND NOT ONLY THAT, but she’s built like a menacing, defiant toddler who is wobbling around with a full diaper. Harper Lee is stagnant and she fucking sucks. At this point in her career, she reeks of desperation. BUT… There’s no need for all of you to gang up on her like that! In any other circumstance, I’d laugh seeing Harper getting dog-piled, but for this week - I won’t take it! As I mentioned in my previous promo, I’m willing to put my disgust and hatred towards Harper Lee aside for this week so we can formally whoop Elysium and Milli Banks’ ass. While people doubt if Harper can be relied upon given her tumultuous history -- I think that Harper is smart enough to not cross the Jaded Hearts. I truly believe that Harper is wise enough to realize that if she does anything that rubs us the wrong way, she will have serious consequences for her silly actions. While Kassidy and I are clearly the stronger players on our team, our team, as a whole, is united and unbreakable! Isn’t that right, girls?!
These three dickheads are really testing me the morning after Thanksgiving. None of you morons have any sort of chill. Are you all so bitter because you didn’t get the chance to spend time with your family? You guys realize EAW has a new policy in place that allows us to take time off during holidays, right? Oh, it might’ve just been offered to top-tier Elitists, not little workhorses like you bozos. Let me tell you what I did for Thanksgiving this year. Me and my honey boo and future winner of the Extreme Elimination Chamber and future World Champion Impact hosted Thanksgiving in Seattle with our close friends and family. During that time, I had the chance to reflect on this previous year and everything that came with it. The Jaded Hearts collab with MAC Cosmetics was a hit and sold out within ten minutes of launching. Kassidy and I are now proud owners of a popular coffee stand chain located in the Pacific Northwest and the drinks have gone viral on Tiktok! And to the biggest blessing of them all, The Jaded Hearts have reigned supreme as the tag team champions. God, what a wonderful way to finish off the year. And I’m doing this all with my best friend right by my side. I am so thankful.
But do you know what’s testing my grateful attitude right now? Jon Kelton. Kelton, we get it. We fucking get it. At first, I admired your struggle. Some may say that I was in awe to see someone incredibly resilient even though he fell so hard he managed to land right in the depths of hell. I respected your hustle and even acknowledged that in my most recent promo. But fuck, Jon, I’m tired of it. I’m tired of hearing about YOU and your struggle. You have the same old underdog story that never seems to change. You’re always stuck as the little guy who doesn’t have what it takes to move forward. At first, I wanted to see you do more, but at this point in time, I want to see you fail just because you’re an unbearable human being. It makes sense why you and Bronson decided to become butt buddies and create Elysium. But even though you carry yourself as a humble individual, it’s evident that you’re full of yourself. After all, you stated that the Jaded Hearts are NOT the greatest tag team this world has ever seen. How foolish to still spew nothing but lies even though this tag team that you speak so ill of has manhandled you in a main event spot at a live event. The Jaded Hearts have sacrificed EVERYTHING and have done things that only some could ever dream of within the past year. You said that your loss to us at the Last Stand exposed many cracks in Elysium’s armor. But I think there’s more than meets the eye. There’s a strong lack of comprehension skills between you two, which will ultimately lead you to an inevitable halt. A halt that will stop you from reaching that peak that you desperately seek.
I’d like to take a moment and focus on what Bronson said about me. He called my disdain for him a “two-year grudge” that has no merit, according to him. I can’t help but chuckle. Bronson, I don’t know if you know this - but actions have consequences. Every bad thing you do in life will come back and bite you in the ass, one way or another. I am a firm believer of karma and I’ve seen her work her magic multiple times throughout my life. You may believe that our interactions a few years back were nothing, but I remember them vividly. You went the route many others do and doubted my skills and abilities simply because I’m attached to Kassidy Heart by the hip. You spat on my name and said I was worthless. That I recall with much detail. To you, it was another day in the office. Another opponent you were forced to face on Dynasty and you tried to gather as many surface-level insults as you possibly could. You went for the low-hanging fruit, which ultimately led you to win your match against me. You went on with your career and our paths met once again in a match that had a lot at stake. You thought that those words that spewed out your mouth like little shit dribblers a few years back didn’t matter, but they did! They still do. I use haters like you as motivation. Haters who continuously doubt whether I’m worthy of all of the accomplishments I have to my name. You’re not the first I’ve encountered like that and you won’t be the last. But please, don’t try to write me off as someone who got butthurt because mean things were said about me. We’re both on two very different levels, as the Jaded Hearts have proven at The Last Stand. And Bronson, if you don’t want to be referred to as a rookie, stop acting like it. You present yourself as childish and foolish, making the same mistakes as someone with the new breed title would make. You’ve been here for five years but you have not grown or evolved. You’re still stuck in that same mentality that’s done nothing but make enemies along the way. I don’t lack self-respect, what a stupid thing to say. I am the most confident woman in this company and I know my self-worth. Which is why I’ll continue to demand to be treated as the Hall of Fame legend that I am. I’m not asking you to respect me, I’m demanding it. We’ve already seen what happens when you have Sienna Jade as an enemy. The lack of growth and self-realization from our opponents is going to make history repeat itself on Showdown.
And I wonder to myself on dark, rainy nights - Why is Bronson so stupid? Was he born like this? Is his mom stupid, too? Probably. Then I remind myself of the type of people he associates himself with and everything seems to click. I mean, Elysium is partnering up with Queen Stupid, so it ALL makes sense! How does that saying go? Birds of a feather flock together? Queen Stupid is indeed stupid, so it shouldn’t be a question as to why they attract one another.
Milli Vanilli Banks has managed to weasel her way into the main event match of this upcoming Showdown and she seems to be stoked about it, whereas, we are not. I continuously wonder why EAW puts so much thought and effort into women who bring zero value to our company. It’s not like Milli is elevating the women’s division with her being the Universal Women’s Champion. All she’s done is present herself as a bully -- as a dictator. She rules the division with an iron fist. Unlike the Jaded Hearts who view the tag team division like a garden, planting multiple seeds, harvesting the fruits of their labor, and eliminating any pesky weed that comes along the way.
Milli is fixated on presenting to the immaculate Jaded Hearts how many tag team bouts she has engaged in within her career in EAW and how many she’s won or lost. She’s presenting her facts like a frightened child is showing her collection of rocks, trying to prove to the cool kids that she’s worthy of hanging around them. Do you know what I think about your rocks, Milli? Do you know what I think about your tag team record? I don’t think anything about it because I couldn't care less. I’ve never been one to fixate on win/loss records. I could lose match after match and still come out with a win when it matters the most. Do you think that’s something I should be embarrassed about? Not really. I win the matches that matter. I know when it’s time to put the battery on my back. But whatever, Congrats, Milli, for winning a tag team match on the 406th episode of Dyvoldown six months ago. You could win every single match and you still won’t have a chance to beat us, even if we’re teaming up with that fatty Harper Lee. She could take the largest fucking steak knife and stab it right on my back and I’m still pinning you for the three count, bitch.
Do you even wonder why I call you Milli Vanilli? Milli Vanilli was a popular R&B duo from the late eighties to the early nineties. They were the hottest act at the time. I mean, that’s what I read since I wasn’t alive during that time because I’m not an old hag. Those motherfuckers even won a Grammy because their music was that popular. Do you hear of Milli Vanilli today given their incredible impact when they joined the music scene? No. They were exposed as lip-synching frauds who were shunned from the music industry forever. That’s you, Milli. You’re nothing but a basement-dwelling, swindling, and deceitful little bitch. I can’t wait until someone pulls the rug underneath your feet and you get exposed. You like to act like your shit doesn’t stink - addressing us in a mocking fashion as if Kassidy won’t eat the skin off of your face for fucking lunch.
I know that deep down behind your corny jokes and your poor attempt to copy Kassidy’s unique style, you feel insecure. You feel like you have something to prove to her because you do. That’s the reality. When you’re going against Kassidy Heart, you will always be the underdog because she’s the final boss type of opponent. Kassidy will be number one while Milli is number 479 on the list of the greatest of all time. You want to be regarded as one of the greatest to hold the Universal Women’s World Championship, but you will never be regarded as so because Kassidy continues to outdo you every single time. No one can truly encompass all of the great qualities that make Kassidy Heart and you will always live in her shadow. God, that must hurt. That must make your stomach turn knowing that no matter how hard you try, Milli Banks, you’ll never be good enough to fill Kassidy’s shoes.
Instead of making jokes, what you should be doing is focusing on retaining your title at Road to Redemption. That’ll be no issue for us, of course, because the Jaded Hearts never lose. We will continue to prevail.
Fuck you, hoe. Go mush your sour puss all over Bronson’s face. Maybe the toxic shock syndrome will knock some sense into that motherfucker.
See you on Saturday.
I understand that Harper Lee is an easy target. I mean, look at her -- All of her shortcomings are written across her forehead. She’s a hazardous individual who is notoriously known for betraying any person she has a partnership with. Not only that but she’s known for fumbling once-in-a-lifetime opportunities and never having what it takes to get to that “next” level in her career. AND NOT ONLY THAT, but she’s built like a menacing, defiant toddler who is wobbling around with a full diaper. Harper Lee is stagnant and she fucking sucks. At this point in her career, she reeks of desperation. BUT… There’s no need for all of you to gang up on her like that! In any other circumstance, I’d laugh seeing Harper getting dog-piled, but for this week - I won’t take it! As I mentioned in my previous promo, I’m willing to put my disgust and hatred towards Harper Lee aside for this week so we can formally whoop Elysium and Milli Banks’ ass. While people doubt if Harper can be relied upon given her tumultuous history -- I think that Harper is smart enough to not cross the Jaded Hearts. I truly believe that Harper is wise enough to realize that if she does anything that rubs us the wrong way, she will have serious consequences for her silly actions. While Kassidy and I are clearly the stronger players on our team, our team, as a whole, is united and unbreakable! Isn’t that right, girls?!
These three dickheads are really testing me the morning after Thanksgiving. None of you morons have any sort of chill. Are you all so bitter because you didn’t get the chance to spend time with your family? You guys realize EAW has a new policy in place that allows us to take time off during holidays, right? Oh, it might’ve just been offered to top-tier Elitists, not little workhorses like you bozos. Let me tell you what I did for Thanksgiving this year. Me and my honey boo and future winner of the Extreme Elimination Chamber and future World Champion Impact hosted Thanksgiving in Seattle with our close friends and family. During that time, I had the chance to reflect on this previous year and everything that came with it. The Jaded Hearts collab with MAC Cosmetics was a hit and sold out within ten minutes of launching. Kassidy and I are now proud owners of a popular coffee stand chain located in the Pacific Northwest and the drinks have gone viral on Tiktok! And to the biggest blessing of them all, The Jaded Hearts have reigned supreme as the tag team champions. God, what a wonderful way to finish off the year. And I’m doing this all with my best friend right by my side. I am so thankful.
But do you know what’s testing my grateful attitude right now? Jon Kelton. Kelton, we get it. We fucking get it. At first, I admired your struggle. Some may say that I was in awe to see someone incredibly resilient even though he fell so hard he managed to land right in the depths of hell. I respected your hustle and even acknowledged that in my most recent promo. But fuck, Jon, I’m tired of it. I’m tired of hearing about YOU and your struggle. You have the same old underdog story that never seems to change. You’re always stuck as the little guy who doesn’t have what it takes to move forward. At first, I wanted to see you do more, but at this point in time, I want to see you fail just because you’re an unbearable human being. It makes sense why you and Bronson decided to become butt buddies and create Elysium. But even though you carry yourself as a humble individual, it’s evident that you’re full of yourself. After all, you stated that the Jaded Hearts are NOT the greatest tag team this world has ever seen. How foolish to still spew nothing but lies even though this tag team that you speak so ill of has manhandled you in a main event spot at a live event. The Jaded Hearts have sacrificed EVERYTHING and have done things that only some could ever dream of within the past year. You said that your loss to us at the Last Stand exposed many cracks in Elysium’s armor. But I think there’s more than meets the eye. There’s a strong lack of comprehension skills between you two, which will ultimately lead you to an inevitable halt. A halt that will stop you from reaching that peak that you desperately seek.
I’d like to take a moment and focus on what Bronson said about me. He called my disdain for him a “two-year grudge” that has no merit, according to him. I can’t help but chuckle. Bronson, I don’t know if you know this - but actions have consequences. Every bad thing you do in life will come back and bite you in the ass, one way or another. I am a firm believer of karma and I’ve seen her work her magic multiple times throughout my life. You may believe that our interactions a few years back were nothing, but I remember them vividly. You went the route many others do and doubted my skills and abilities simply because I’m attached to Kassidy Heart by the hip. You spat on my name and said I was worthless. That I recall with much detail. To you, it was another day in the office. Another opponent you were forced to face on Dynasty and you tried to gather as many surface-level insults as you possibly could. You went for the low-hanging fruit, which ultimately led you to win your match against me. You went on with your career and our paths met once again in a match that had a lot at stake. You thought that those words that spewed out your mouth like little shit dribblers a few years back didn’t matter, but they did! They still do. I use haters like you as motivation. Haters who continuously doubt whether I’m worthy of all of the accomplishments I have to my name. You’re not the first I’ve encountered like that and you won’t be the last. But please, don’t try to write me off as someone who got butthurt because mean things were said about me. We’re both on two very different levels, as the Jaded Hearts have proven at The Last Stand. And Bronson, if you don’t want to be referred to as a rookie, stop acting like it. You present yourself as childish and foolish, making the same mistakes as someone with the new breed title would make. You’ve been here for five years but you have not grown or evolved. You’re still stuck in that same mentality that’s done nothing but make enemies along the way. I don’t lack self-respect, what a stupid thing to say. I am the most confident woman in this company and I know my self-worth. Which is why I’ll continue to demand to be treated as the Hall of Fame legend that I am. I’m not asking you to respect me, I’m demanding it. We’ve already seen what happens when you have Sienna Jade as an enemy. The lack of growth and self-realization from our opponents is going to make history repeat itself on Showdown.
And I wonder to myself on dark, rainy nights - Why is Bronson so stupid? Was he born like this? Is his mom stupid, too? Probably. Then I remind myself of the type of people he associates himself with and everything seems to click. I mean, Elysium is partnering up with Queen Stupid, so it ALL makes sense! How does that saying go? Birds of a feather flock together? Queen Stupid is indeed stupid, so it shouldn’t be a question as to why they attract one another.
Milli Vanilli Banks has managed to weasel her way into the main event match of this upcoming Showdown and she seems to be stoked about it, whereas, we are not. I continuously wonder why EAW puts so much thought and effort into women who bring zero value to our company. It’s not like Milli is elevating the women’s division with her being the Universal Women’s Champion. All she’s done is present herself as a bully -- as a dictator. She rules the division with an iron fist. Unlike the Jaded Hearts who view the tag team division like a garden, planting multiple seeds, harvesting the fruits of their labor, and eliminating any pesky weed that comes along the way.
Milli is fixated on presenting to the immaculate Jaded Hearts how many tag team bouts she has engaged in within her career in EAW and how many she’s won or lost. She’s presenting her facts like a frightened child is showing her collection of rocks, trying to prove to the cool kids that she’s worthy of hanging around them. Do you know what I think about your rocks, Milli? Do you know what I think about your tag team record? I don’t think anything about it because I couldn't care less. I’ve never been one to fixate on win/loss records. I could lose match after match and still come out with a win when it matters the most. Do you think that’s something I should be embarrassed about? Not really. I win the matches that matter. I know when it’s time to put the battery on my back. But whatever, Congrats, Milli, for winning a tag team match on the 406th episode of Dyvoldown six months ago. You could win every single match and you still won’t have a chance to beat us, even if we’re teaming up with that fatty Harper Lee. She could take the largest fucking steak knife and stab it right on my back and I’m still pinning you for the three count, bitch.
Do you even wonder why I call you Milli Vanilli? Milli Vanilli was a popular R&B duo from the late eighties to the early nineties. They were the hottest act at the time. I mean, that’s what I read since I wasn’t alive during that time because I’m not an old hag. Those motherfuckers even won a Grammy because their music was that popular. Do you hear of Milli Vanilli today given their incredible impact when they joined the music scene? No. They were exposed as lip-synching frauds who were shunned from the music industry forever. That’s you, Milli. You’re nothing but a basement-dwelling, swindling, and deceitful little bitch. I can’t wait until someone pulls the rug underneath your feet and you get exposed. You like to act like your shit doesn’t stink - addressing us in a mocking fashion as if Kassidy won’t eat the skin off of your face for fucking lunch.
I know that deep down behind your corny jokes and your poor attempt to copy Kassidy’s unique style, you feel insecure. You feel like you have something to prove to her because you do. That’s the reality. When you’re going against Kassidy Heart, you will always be the underdog because she’s the final boss type of opponent. Kassidy will be number one while Milli is number 479 on the list of the greatest of all time. You want to be regarded as one of the greatest to hold the Universal Women’s World Championship, but you will never be regarded as so because Kassidy continues to outdo you every single time. No one can truly encompass all of the great qualities that make Kassidy Heart and you will always live in her shadow. God, that must hurt. That must make your stomach turn knowing that no matter how hard you try, Milli Banks, you’ll never be good enough to fill Kassidy’s shoes.
Instead of making jokes, what you should be doing is focusing on retaining your title at Road to Redemption. That’ll be no issue for us, of course, because the Jaded Hearts never lose. We will continue to prevail.
Fuck you, hoe. Go mush your sour puss all over Bronson’s face. Maybe the toxic shock syndrome will knock some sense into that motherfucker.
See you on Saturday.
