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Stop me if you've heard this one before. Little fresh-faced, snot-nosed rookie walks through these doors, thinks he's God's gift to wrestling. Gets fed a few softball challengers, and that chip on his shoulder turns into a whole... bag of chips (I ain't Shakespeare, sue me). So then this young...

Come on Jack, tell us how you really feel. It's the same old, same old with you, ain't it? More bitching, complaining, denying, and blaming. It's a damn shame, son. I was expecting more. But all I got was more of the same. More entitled millennial bullshit from Jack Haze. Just bitching and...

You're damn right, Jack. You shouldn't be in this match. Hell, you shouldn't be on the card at all. Fuckin' greasy-ass vanilla midget freakshow. Too many of y'all polluting the business these days. That's why pro wrestling ain't what it used to be. Hit the gym, take a shower, get a fucking clue...

I'm back, motherfuckers. I'm back and I'm out for blood. Ain't nobody on this roster safe, least of all The Roundtable. Quick rundown for those of y'all who tune out every time you see one of those Roundtable rat bastards on your screen: about a month ago, I'm chained to a fucking hospital bed...

I'm gonna keep this one real short and sweet. I'll sit my ass down alright, Terry... on you for the 3-count. Wait a minute. What am I saying? This is a four-corners Texas Bullrope match. Ain't gonna be no pinfalls tomorrow night. Either way, I just couldn't resist poking fun at your...

Surprise, surprise: Terry Chambers is pissed the fuck off. Something I said must've struck a chord. Maybe hit a little too close to home. Whatever it was, Terry's here and he is fuming. I just hope he's taking his blood pressure meds. Come on, you know he's on 'em. Can't be healthy to be that...

Terry Chambers... where do we start? This guy's a real gold mine of one-liners. And that's the only time you'll ever hear the words "Terry Chambers" and "gold" in the same breath. This massive failure called me "the most irrelevant elitist on the roster, and also the most retarded". Right...

First of all, nobody's watching this match for The Revolution. You were in the main event last week for one reason and one reason only: to get the shit beat out of you by Malcolm Jones. Just like you're only facing Jack Haze and I cause we need to beat somebody to get this title shot and you're...

Oh boy, where do we start? Where the hell do you even begin when you gotta respond to a couple of dudes who called someone a "little strain of marijuana"? That's just weird. Do I call Jake Smith a "little bottle of hair product"? Well, I guess I just did. This guy is the biggest douchebag...

Cody Marshall sits at his kitchen table, eating some good ol' Texas ribs and using a picture of Solomon as a placemat. The camera focuses on the picture of Solomon... The excess BBQ sauce dripping off the wings and onto Solomon's face, giving him a crimson mask much like the one he'll be wearing...

It's that moment you've all been waiting for. Time to respond to that crazed fan who's been bashing me on Soundcloud. This oughta be a fun one... Oh, wait... it' says he's a wrestler? Like, here? In EAW? Solomon? Never heard of him. He must really fucking suck. Alright, Solomon. First off, I...

There, I said it. I said your name, pal. Congratu-fucking-lations, this is the most famous you'll ever get. Enjoy it, kid. Savor this moment. Take a mental snapshot. Hell, break out some recording software on whatever device you're viewing this on, Jakey boy, 'cause I can't guarantee you'll...

Oh boy, that title grabbed your attention, didn't it? Y'all can relax, I'm just fucking with ya. I ain't leaving this place for a long, long time. There's far too much work to be done. Too much ass to kick. Too many titles to win. Too many fools in the locker room who need to meet my staple...

You know what, Terry? You're absolutely right. I haven't won the big one. And I say what's on my mind and the haters call it "bitching". I don't do what those corporate schmucks over at EAW headquarters want me to do. I'm my own man, do what the fuck I want, and in this day and age people can't...

Son, your mama shoulda aborted you. Drake fucking King... what a sad, sad waste of space. Don't act like you don't know who I am, son. You run your mouth talkin' bout you're "one of the biggest stars on Showdown". Sad! Well if that's the case the bar's been set awful low. I guess You're a...

December 22nd is the day this company changes forever. EAW's gonna build an impenetrable, physical, tall, powerful, beautiful wall around the ring. Only one man will step out on his own power, and it is he who will walk out the EAW Champion. And by he, I mean me. Some people -- losers, haters...

Good evening USA! I woulda said some words earlier, but... well truth be told I just didn't fucking feel like it. Sue me. Seriously, try it. I got the best lawyers in the world. Tremendous lawyers. Not schlubs like Robert Mueller, whose investigation is a total witch hunt by the way. Very...

Oh boy what do we got here? The Heart Break Boy -- more like Heart Failure middle-aged mid-life crisis boy at his age -- and the fake news spewing fraudster who claims to have debuted in 2016 when the facts clearly show he got his start damn near a decade ago. You already know who it is, it's...

Mexico City. It's a weird name, ain't it? It's like if I made my own city and called it "America City". It's like naming an arena "Big Building With Seats". It's like naming yourself "Chris Elite". Or maybe that's actually your birth name, maybe your parents signed your birth certificate and...

We're in a dimly-lit room, where some assholes in suits sit around a table drinking beer and smoking cigars. Ted Cruz: ...And then we told them the wealth would trickle down! :mjlol: Ted looks at the camera and smiles a very creepy smile, one creepy enough to give children nightmares for...