- Messages
- 295
- Points
- 93
I gravitate towards my own problems.
Like the sea opening up, threatening to devour whatever ship dares to sail into its vortex of inevitable death and despair.
Those are my problems and I am the foolish ship opting to head towards the epicenter with the bewildering belief that it will spit me back out the victor and onto more calmer seas with a fresh sunrise glistening over the stillness of the water; flickering over the lack of waves, with merely a simple breeze to guide me towards a better tomorrow.
Truly, continuing to mix myself in the affairs of lesser human beings - let alone lesser professional wrestlers - is something that in the heat of the moment sounds ideal. I didn’t spend a year of my life committed to changing my attitude and outlook on all things to suddenly abandon it to fulfill my own selfish intentions. That said, to say that there’s a bit of ‘bite the bullet’ when it comes to this matter would be an understatement. I’ve been dealing with Devolution for how long now? Six months? Six months stuck dealing with the same bottom of the barrel fucking nobodies, one of these incredibly lucky dickheads even longer, and on paper? It’s kinda fucking demoralising. I want to fight the best. I want to be challenged by the best. I want to lose to be the best. And I want to defeat the best and Devolution are not remotely close to the best; they barely scratch the itch to wake up and give a fucking shit any given week. But I might as well bite the bullet just one last time because surely, even I for as addicted to my newfound morality, pride in honour and decency, can’t surely be dragging myself into this mess any further, right?
See, I came to Showdown to start this season with the ambition of becoming a World Champion. Hell, I contemplated the dream of winning that prize and even if it was for just mere minutes, would have satisfied the desire enough to potentially call it a day. To wrap up a short but far from uneventful career and walk away. It was a humble dream, a simple dream, one that wasn’t complicated when I looked up and down the men and women around me and knew that it was within reach. That I was the best, that I was the most talented motherfucker there was and not a single cunt could hold a candle to me on our best days.
Instead, six and a half months later, I’m dealing with these fucking dumb cunts still and I’ve all but abandonded any fucking hope of resurrecting that dream because it turns out, fuck Hikari Kanno and whatever aspirations she had. I’m in pure salvage mode. To try and save whatever is left of this decrepit fucking dream I have and limp towards a finish line that’s either this miserable chapter or fuck it, this entire career regardless.
I’m pissed. I’m bitter. I’m frustrated. And this time there really isn’t someone else to blame other than…me. My choice to inject myself into something that I know I would immediately come to regret. My choice to throw myself into a situation where there isn’t something for me to gain. My choice to remain stagnant for the next number of weeks. I’m going to do this one last time, I’m going to drag myself to my best no matter how dull and uninspiring these opponents are, no matter how brutally challenging it is, one last time I’m going to cope with this regrettable choice of mine and hope that the other side are the calm seas I’m looking for. If not? God, who knows. Slice my fucking gut open and let my intestines smear the canvas might just be the only way out of this hellish shithole I’ve put myself in with this complacency and poor decision making.
You, Kasai, just about sum up everything that bothers me.
I’ve had wars where my blood soaked skin, the humiliation I’ve endured being shaved bald, lacerations, torn tissue, broken bones and contusions left me happy inside and out because there was fulfillment. There was fulfillment in coming up short against great, great opponents. There was fulfillment in being beaten by someone better than me where I knew I could walk back and spend weeks challenging myself to improve in every facet of my life. Study tape, study them, study myself. Improve and push myself further. Improve and grow closer to the unrivalled excellence I’ve sought after. But I haven’t had that for quite some time and for the first half of my season here on Showdown, I kept tricking myself into believing that I would someday test my mettle against someone like Viz. Someone like Adam Lucas. A legend in Scott Diamond. I believed I had a place on this roster that would slowly see me battling my way towards the top and whether it was still Adam at that point or someone else, there wouldn’t be anyone standing in my way to cement a belief I’ve held for the last three years.There’s a very, very big difference between myself and someone like you and this is a similarity that even World Champions have. You say that you’re good enough, but deep down you know there is a ways to go. Deep down most are grateful, they have the humility to see even a challenger in yourself as someone to ‘prove’ something to. I don’t. Deep down, I know that I am the fucking best, Kasai. I don’t have that ‘grateful’ component. I don’t see week to week as something that matters as much as most do. I don’t have the humility to not take whats before me for granted. That ‘lack of motivation’ people perceive isn’t a lack of motivation to be the best, it's because cunts like you are tossed at my feet as if I need to prove anything. As if I need layups, if I need to build some kind of case. When the truth is simply I am fucking BORED. I am fucking UNENTERTAINED. The problem is, this feeds on itself when all I need to fucking prove you dumb cunts wrong is get thrown a bone; give me the best on this roster, I’ll fucking humilate them from the moment I hear the match announced until the bell rings for my fucking victory and suddenly the curtain rises to reveal it wasn’t a lack of ‘motivation’ stifling Hikari Kanno, it was the reality that far too often I got stuck trying to make the best of a situation where I’m dealing with oppoents like you. The easy response is to be humble, to be appreciative, to start back at square one, trust some process, but I spent two and a half years paying my dues on a roster where every season I would run circles around World Champions and those who went on to win World titles. I dressed them down verbally, and It was always those rookie, novice mistakes that I fully accept as my own undoings but it changes nothing; Showdown should have been the brand Hikari Kanno became a World Champion, but its been a season of dealing with the always overhyped, the secondary acts and the incredibly idiotic and nonsensical resurrection of Jon Kelton. I’ve got every reason to be rather jaded and discontent.
You’re going to get treated, the same way so many people I’ve faced have been treated and it’s not going to be something I’ll apologise for, it’s not something I’m going to change.
Perhaps that makes me sound like an entitled child but I cannot stress how few fucks I give.
I’m making everything perfectly clear about what I want and what I expect. Full transparency, there isn’t anything I’m willing to hide at this point. You don’t cut it. You’re an afterthought, a number on a roster to fill, an act that people don’t care to pay attention to and the idea of you dragging Miku down into the same empty pits of irrelevance is a frightening prospect; she deserves better herself than to have you haunting her. The common thread among most of my opponents this season is that I wouldn’t be able to tell you what they did last week, what they did last month, or what they had done in the last year not simply because of the putrid miniscule levels of noteworthy success but I just have never given a single fucking fuck about anyone or anything that didn’t have some sort of place in my field of vision. The complete and utter irrelevancy to what matters to me and my ambitions is an incredibly recurring theme that hey, even part of me does begin to think this pattern isn’t just a mere coincidence. Maybe, I would ‘change’ if someone respected, someone revered, someone who had a chokehold on the top of the mountain believed that I had to ‘change’, that I had to shift my way of thinking, alter my perception of myself and my desires, but the thought of taking advice for you, Kasai? Makes me fucking laugh. I’m not going to tear you apart, I’m not going to make you sulk and fight back the tears as you push through the endless dribble. I’ve made it clear, whatever my frustrations are and whatever is left in my reservoir of fucks to give isn’t going to be spent on people who next week I’ll go back to forgetting their existence. It's not bottomless, I’m not your happy-go-lucky dickhead who is going to convince themselves of a lie just to play the good, respectable opponent. I’m too spent mentally trying to survive this season to have enough in me to play down to an opponent. The hardest piece to cut is not to disrespect and tear down an opponent, it's when your opponent is just a mere extension of what you truly wish to speak on. The hardest match to wrestle isn’t one against a tough, competitive opponent, it’s when you have bigger problems at hand that need addressing. And the hardest dose of reality for an opponent to accept, is that sometimes they’re just a piece of a puzzle that gets set and everyone forgets about it. The slightest bit of relevance, the slightest bit of importance.
But in the grand scheme of things it is unnoticable.
It’s Wednesday morning and I’m choosing it for once to address someone.
Make no mistake, I’ve never truly been complacent.
I have disappointed. I have failed. I have been lethargic but never truly complacent.
I’m waking up early to speak to an opponent who I barely knew existed just mere days ago because the perception has warped itself into where this is a ‘necessity’ for me. To make it appear that I give a fuck. And next week, I’m sure I’m going to have to rock up on Monday and address another opponent much like yourself. All to be in fine, fine fucking form to face who? The two dickheads I was dealing with six months ago? I’m not complacent, I never was, I’m just aware and quite frankly disappointed of how I’ve found myself stuck in this endless loop dealing with the same people who wouldn’t be able to keep up with me or even give me a reason to convince myself they just might. There is no justification for trying against someone like you but we have a fucked up idea where suddenly not putting my all into a nonbody or a washed up never truly was is somehow validation to give up and abandon the woman who was one of the hottest fucking talents in this God forsaken business. And you can feel disappointed that everything I’ve spoken about today has been about me and my problems, a little bit of ‘woe is me’ but I won’t lie, Kasai, I don’t know you and I don’t even want to begin to try and even have any idea. I don’t know what you’ve done or what you’re planning to do outside of it apparently involving Miku. Beating you - and I will fucking beat you - doesn’t improve my situation and so I’m simply seeking not to make this distorted perception of me that’s the result of pure deflection any worse.
I’m tired, I’m bored and I’m reaching the point where I might just give it up all together because fuck me, this isn’t doing it.
永遠に夢を見続けろ、大きな夢想家よ。
